The Truth Is
by Nicole Lo
Summary: Amy enters her sophomore year of high school after the birth or rather UNBIRTH of her first child, which leaves her forever changed. She struggles to cope with it all as the truth about the accident is revealed & Ricky does something unexpected...6-shot
1. You Get Colder

**The Truth is…**

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**By: Nicole Lopez

Disclaimer: I have no connection with the actual production, casting, script-writing, etc of the actual show.

Summary: Amy deals with her miscarriage or rather ... tries _not _to deal with it and other randomness that surrounds her...

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**You Get Colder**

It takes too much to feel anything, to let the crazy obscure happenings of life actually get into you and make you want to crumble to your knees in complete despair and to render yourself as useless in your own life. This was exactly why Amy Juergens preferred not to let emotions get the best of her.

What would be in the point in letting it break her down? She'd already relinquished real emotion to controlled facial expressions that left many people to wonder if she were a robot or a real person. She had already been to be point where she crawled into a ball because there was nothing else that she could do, but lean onto something for strength and pray to dear God that this wasn't how it was going to end, that there was a reason for all of this.

That's why Amy went to church religiously and … Maybe that's why other people went as well. It made their lives make sense, even if it really didn't change anything at all. Amy now found herself going to appease her mother and try to bring some sense of normalcy to her life, but the problem was that now nothing could ever be 'normal' again.

Perhaps getting pregnant at her delicate age, fifteen, was a symbol, a staple for our times where the line between child hood and adulthood resulted in young drug addicts and mothers who were not yet able to vote. Never in her life had Amy thought she'd be a statistic, that during her first venture into doing something wild and crazy or … _fun _as everyone else would call it, she would end up carrying and nurturing a life that was so needy and so dependent on her.

As scary as it once sounded to her, Amy had already taken her life by the reigns and made some choices that probably the most mature adult couldn't make. Speaking of which, she really had to get this thing down. Here she was, married to Ben Boykevich and she couldn't even spell her new last name correctly. After three failed attempts, she walked down the hallway over to the next room to ask Ben for his help, again.

Without bothering to knock, Amy pushed open the door only to see Ben doubled over, face red and tear-stained from minutes, possibly hours of pure depression. She rushed to his side, fighting to keep herself from getting _too _involved. That would truly be an ugly thing.

"What is it?" Amy neared her newbie husband, starting to reach out to him, but choosing instead that standing dangerously close would count well enough as an actual embrace.

"Do you even need to ask?" Ben stood up and wiped away his tears, ashamed. He didn't understand how Amy could be so calm about everything that happened. She walked into the room, not a second of surprise crossing her face and now she was here just to keep up appearances. That's what it felt like. She was like this huge egg, impenetrable egg, but inside all there was was a soft, malleable substance that couldn't stand still for even a second. It needed something like a bowl or a cup to prevent it from dissolving into pure nothingness.

Ben sat at the foot of his bed, thinking about what this marriage was _supposed _to mean and how it came to mean something so very different. Now he was beginning to see why some people said fifteen was too young to—he silenced the thought. Marrying Amy Juergens was the best decision of his life. She was young, beautiful, thoughtful, and just going through a hard time …

After she asked him what was wrong, from the same spot in which she had been standing, Ben started to say nothing, but reevaluated the use of that lie in this environment.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"What are you talking about?" Amy took two calculated steps closer to him.

"Amy, honey, it's okay to talk about it and to think about it and to let it drive you crazy-"

"What's it?" She wondered, growing a little impatient. Sometimes she felt like she didn't get Ben at all anymore.

"Our baby. She's gone-" Ben started to exclaim dramatically.

"Oh. _That_." Amy retreated a step. "People lose kids. Life rains on us. It's no use crying. Something worse will happen tomorrow." She offered as Ben cringed at how soulless she sounded. Amy had suffered from a car crash, a crash caused by Ben who had been trying to take things into his own hands, to be a man, and make sure that she made her doctor's appointment.

"I guess it's different for you. You have no guilt in this because you weren't driving without a license. You weren't-" His voice started to break so Ben paused and started up again. "I can see the pure disgust in your mom's eyes and it makes me want to get out of this place. She hates me being here and _I _hate it here … being so close to the nursery and all."

"Are we done here?" Amy asked after a while, feeling the sensation to bow down to life start to rise. "It's late and we have the first day of school tomorrow."

"Yeah, honey … anything you want." Ben walked over to her and took her hands. "Good night." He kissed her softly, but only felt cold nothingness on the other side. Amy jumped backwards and headed for the door like a scared little rabbit.

Do you know what it feels like when everyone is watching you, _staring _at you like you're in a huge play and you dropped a line or something and they're just waiting for you to say those four or five words so that they can get on with their lives? That's what Monday morning back in high school was. It was early September, a little breezy but still nice outside.

Amy tried to do her best to keep her appearance crisp and sharp. She had gotten rid of the long hair and sported a more sophisticated look that better represented who she had become. Madison and Lauren complimented her and made constant references to the miscarriage, which Amy ignored.

If they thought they were going to get a Britney Spears moment out of her, then they were wrong. Breakdowns were for people who let emotions control them. Amy controlled her own emotions.

The entire day was still awkward, like being an animal on display in the circus where people walked in front of you and behind you all day long, peering over their books and through their locker mirrors, not even trying to be discreet about it.

A couple of new freshman came up to her and asked her about it. Amy's response was a shrug and to simply walk away. She could see Grace Bauman's eyes following her around as well with her 'God save us' eyes. She bit her lip in return. Amy would say nothing.

The entire agonizing day seemed to take a week to complete itself, like the day that everyone found out Amy was pregnant. She had taken salvation somewhere where no one would ever expect to find her. High school, this _place _was filled with such bad memories that Amy—

"Hey." A sharp knock, on the glass window of the car Amy had been sitting in, jerked her back into reality. "What are you doing in my car?" Ricky Underwood's face peered before her. It was the look on _his _face, the reaching to hug _her _that caught Amy off guard and made her feel a little less stable than before.

"The door was open."

"What?"

"The door was open." Her voice shook a little as Amy stared at Ricky. It once disgusted her that he had been the first guy Amy had slept with. Ricky 'sleep with any girl, anywhere, anytime' Underwood. "I-I can leave if you want."

"No. Amy was just going to say … Amy never got to tell you this at the funeral-"

"Please. You don't have to." Amy promised as he cranked up the car.

"No, I do. I would've been a sucky father, I know that but I never meant for anything bad to happen to that baby Amy. It's just-" He stopped himself, cranked up the car and then drove her away.

"Where are we going?" The answer came in the form of the local cemetery.

"You are _not—"_

"We have to go and see our little girl." Ricky opened the doors, took Amy's hand and led her through the wet, muddy grass. Cemeteries always gave her the creeps. The thought that you were walking on someone's dead body, a head or an arm, a face … it was disgusting to her. Amy was hoping to be cremated.

It wouldn't matter anyway. If Amy could have it her way, this life would be the end. Ben believed that Heaven was waiting for us. Amy had given up on the thought so to her … a dead body or dead ashes … it was still dead. But in hindsight, Amy should have cremated _it_ too, to avoid the situation that was unfolding now.

"She's not here." Amy admitted.

"Yes she is."

"No, she isn't. Ben couldn't bare her being so far away so, we put her in my back yard. He visits her every day."

Amy hopped back into the car and Ricky drove her back to her house in silence. When his phone rang, he picked it up. It was Adrienne. There was a lot of yelling and cursing following by what sounded like phone sex maybe or maybe they were just saying words that I'd never heard of being used together.

"Take me to her." Ricky demanded, taking her hand as Amy let him into the backyard. It was times like these when Amy wished she'd lived in a true suburban home where everyone's house was super close and 'yards' were impossible due to space limitations.

"There." Amy pointed from afar as she watched _Ricky _breakdown in front of her. Amy felt like she was in a really bad soap opera or this was a huge joke. Ha. Ha. Where was the camera crew? But no one showed up. Ricky came over to her, taking both of her hands and looking her in the eyes, which was … scary to say the least.

"Amy, I have something to tell you and … I hope that you'll be able to forgive me."

"I'm sure it's no big deal."

"That day … th-the car that you got into with Ben … the blue one-"

"I know the car."

"The reason why you had the crash was because of me. I got a buddy of mine to _'fix' _the breaks when Ben drove s-so when you got into that crash-"

"Are you _joking_? Ben will kill you when he finds out." Amy crossed her arms over her chest, unwilling to give in.

"Amy, are you listening? The reason why our baby is dead is because of me. I did it, I ruined it … everything for you and I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Amy repeated, feeling her exterior melt away. "You're sorry? I can't even look at Ben the same way, everyone's staring at her expecting me to shatter, and … you know what Ricky, ever since I met you life has been sucky. So why don't you just do me a favor and go away? For good. I mean it." Amy gave him a slight push and then turned away from the grave site. Problem evaded.

By the next day the school was bustling about something else. Amy was no longer under a magnifying glass, which suited her fine. Last night, Amy couldn't sleep and she had tired eyes to prove it.

"Oh my God." Lauren ran over to Amy and hugged her tightly.

"We thought it was you." Madison added, hugging her as well.

"What was me?"

"You mean you don't know?" Lauren asked, exchanging a glance with Madison before continuing. "There was a suicide attempt. There were rumors that it was you, but no one's telling us who it is."

"I know who it is." Amy whispered, running from the two girls and into the parking lot. Amy searched around for his car. It was red, an abnormal red. It stood out. It had to … Ricky was missing.

Amy don't know why it came as a shock to her when she discovered it or even when Adrienne had given her a ride to his house. Amy had no reason to be there, she really didn't but when Amy saw the police tape everywhere it all made sense. She had done this. Going to the hospital was no use. No non-family visitors were allowed. Amy still managed to get a peek at him and he looked really, really bad. All of the blood … Amy doubled over.

Adrienne came over to hug her, crying hysterically, screaming in Spanish. Everything started to spin. There was so much blood. Blood, blood … Amy couldn't take it. She ran and ran until she got back home. Amy don't know how long it took, but she didn't stop. Not once.

She had to erase the memory before it flared up. Amy had to get home and take the medicine. She just had to get her hands on it … Her pulse slowed when the Juergens house came into view. By then the damage had been done. Amy remembered it all. The blood. Ben's body pinned inside the car, her cracked forehead bleeding but it was nothing compared to the blood coming from the bottom half of my body. It was coming from the place where the baby would have, had it lived…

There was a puddle and it kept getting bigger and bigger. Amy screamed and kept screaming … She didn't know what else to do.

"No!" Amy yelled, running to the backyard, the memories of the past catching up with her and turning her into someone she had tried hard not to be. "It can't be … y-you can't be." Amy whispered, trying to hold the ground, but deeming it useless. She needed to see her little girl. She needed to see what she would have looked like if she had made it.

Without shedding more than a few tears, Amy starting digging. Her nails cracked and broke off, her fingers bled, scratched up by the rocks and pieces of wood that surrounded the grave. When they put her into the ground, Amy didn't look. She _couldn't _look. She never got to hold her, but now … Amy would get to.

But Amy was weak. She couldn't even open the coffin. She just sat there, her on the left side, her baby to the right, crying over everything that she had denied herself of earlier. Amy curled her body around the coffin that held her baby imagining herself playing in her hair and saying their final goodbyes. At that moment Amy surrendered to her weakness, her humanness, her emotions and let life win. For then and there, Amy had no idea what the future would be or if she even would have one.

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(A/N: Another one-shot! It's quick, easy, and allows her to say what Amy want without extending it was unnecessary subplots. Amy hope you really liked this one … it's my first Secret Life fic, maybe my last. Maybe not. Who knows? Review please. Btw, Song title from the Goo Goo Dolls: _'Black Balloon_.'–NL)

**I went back and changed the POV so it should be consistent this time. That's what happens when you write stories in sections! And just my personal opinion … one shots are always better and more focused.


	2. Lions and Tigers and Bears

**Chapter Two: Lions and Tigers and Bears**

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Ricky tried to kill himself. Ricky. Out of all the people in the world that I knew he was the least likely, the most cynical, self-obsessed, non-depressed… the guy who sat around and made fun of movies like the _Virgin Suicides _because he thought they were idiots. Who would ever believe that he was in the hospital now because he actually _felt _something?

Amy felt so bad for Ricky and so confused for herself. She had let weakness get the best of her, but through crying and finally mourning the death of our lost child, she had actually been feeling better. It would be a bit naïve to say that she was back to the _old Amy _because that didn't happen like that.

People are always changing and sometimes we stray so far from where we've started that how we used to be that it becomes just that … the past, a past memory of our old selves that we may or may not be able to recognize.

At this moment she felt _very _un-Amy-like, brooding over whether she should go visit him in the hospital, not that he was stable, or not. What do you say to someone who thought their life was so meaningless that no one would care if they threw it away?

And then on top of that Ben would be worried and want to 'talk' about where their relationship stood, like he did every single second, Adrienne would freak about her talking to Ricky, and Ashley would tell her what she was really feeling deep down inside in her sagacious monotone that would just frankly piss Amy off.

"Uh!" Amy scoffed closing my room door once she heard her mom walk in. Right now, Ms. Juergens would be worse than the afore-mentioned people. She knew that she had two options; to pretend to sleep and hope that she wouldn't wake Amy or to get outta dodge as fast as possible.

It only took Amy a couple of seconds to make a decision. Today was her "group therapy" day, the punishment she had received for being so stupidly open about longing for her miscarried child. Imagine her parent's surprise when they saw her covered in dirt, her body encircling the coffin of their grandchild.

It was admittedly sick and a huge cry for help, but Amy didn't see it that way. She kept vacillating between allowing herself to feel something and being an hollow as a putrid oak tree far past its prime and robbed of all its goodness. Hollow or not group therapy was not happening today.

Amy made a quick escape from her bedroom window, removing her slip-on sandals before her feet met the wet grass. She couldn't get _too _far on foot, but far enough to take her bike for a ride. There was no place in particular that she wanted to go, but she needed to get away from life.

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Amy sat on the last working porch swing face the water. Since the south side of the downtown area had been built up, no one came this way anymore, making it an obvious and easy place for Amy to go to be alone. She closed her eyes and tried to listen to the sound of the waves.

It was supposed to be really soothing, but it just made Amy really pensive, _too much_ thinking. When Amy really sat down and let her mind wonder, back to Ricky this time, she thought about how stupid he was for trying to kill himself. _He _had nothing to die for.

And all that blood… He had to have slit his wrists and what a way to go out. Amy didn't know if she was brave enough to try something like that. If she had to choose... she'd do something standard, but not too forgettable, something that clearly stated that life was suffocating her to the point where she couldn't wait for it to finish her off.

She'd do it herself, rather than being tortured any longer. She would overdose, but what Ricky did… That was the way to go out with a 'bang.' No one would forget the guy who slit his wrists, but the girl who took pills? A dime a dozen.

… Sigh. She sighed, opening her eyes and preparing herself to get back on her bike and just go. Maybe she should just find somewhere else to go.

"Amy! Amy, is that you?" Lauren's voice entered the scene as Amy repressed an eye roll. Besides Madison, Lauren was the biggest gossip in school which probably stemmed from the fact that her own life was so boring. Amy would never tell her that though but instead she turned around and smiled a tight smile and waved.

Smiling always made people a little less suspicious about what you were really thinking and as long as she could manage to talk, about anything, Lauren would eventually go away and leave her alone. Silence put people on their guard as well.

"Hey Lauren…" Amy was suddenly lost for words. Speaking to her old friends hadn't really been her thing since, well since they thought she had tried to kill herself.

"What are you doing at this creepy area downtown? You know my dad says…" Amy got lost in the long series of sentences that Lauren pushed together so quickly and with _ease_.

"I know what you're thinking." Lauren continued as touching Amy's arm, which got her tuned back into the conversation.

"What's that?"

"You're thinking about Ricky--"

"No I'm … not."

"I'm not _judging_, but I'm asking if you want to go visit him, you know I won't say anything." Amy nodded, refusing to look her friend in the eyes in fear that her own eyes would reveal too much. Lauren's sudden embrace and smile only made Amy want to shudder, but now it was _okay _to feel something.

* * *

Amy walked her way through the sterile white walls in the hallway. Even they couldn't hide the underlying smell and feel of death. It was this persistent reminder of the day she had been dragged her, unconscious yet bleeding profusely.

She took a deep breath and tried to make herself focus on her mission and reason for being here. Amy needed to talk to Ricky and get inside his head to figure out… everything. She still owed him a scolding about the car crash to begin with, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to hate him or even _blame _him. If a series of things had been done differently, their little child would be alive and kicking now … _focus. _

When Amy found Ricky's room she stood outside of the door for a little while, hovering, stalling, smiling at the people that walked pasted her and gave her a curious look. Eventually she would have to go and in when Amy did … someone had already beaten her there. Her split second, natural guess was Adrienne, but she knew this girl's figure a little too well. And she was holding Ricky's hand…

"_Ashley?"_

"It's about time that you got here." She answered in her nonchalant know-it-all way as though her being here wasn't strange or even a little off. "I'm going to leave now." Ashley said to Ricky, patting his hand and standing up.

"What are you doing here?" Amy asked accusingly.

"I knew you would come here to get out of 'group therapy' _eventually_, so … I just beat you to it. You two are seriously messed up and need to talk." Ashley waltzed past Amy confidently.

"This conversation didn't happen." Amy threatened, grabbing her little sister by the arm. "I mean it Ashley."

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Amy walked towards Ricky sauntering at such as slow pace that it almost looked like she hadn't moved. It was a lot like someone who had been walking the plank, hoping for some type of intervening party or something.

This gave Ricky enough time to gather his thoughts and try to look presentable … well, as good as he could under the circumstances. When they were finally within touching distance, Amy avoided his eyes, staring instead at the weird contraptions surrounding his hospital bed.

"It's an IV." He answered sighing and staring at Amy as intensely as possible. He had taken a completely normal girl's life and ruined it. Ricky had turned Amy into a 'just say no to sex' public announcement and he wasn't sorry for it. Not a bit. He struggled to make eye contact with her as Amy sat down in the chair that Ashley had occupied earlier.

"I know what it is." She snapped, revealing more emotion than he had seen from her since that night at band camp. "But … why do you have it? You've been here for two weeks, right?" Ricky nodded noting that she had been counting down the days that he'd been here. That meant that she was either worried or happily waiting for him to die.

"Yeah." Ricky answered as Amy started to touch the IV cautiously. He watched as she looked at the other machines, eventually, returning to the IV and his hand. Uh-oh. He knew what was coming next … the standard, 'I'm so sorry Ricky … why did you do it…'

"Did it hurt?" Amy wondered suddenly, looking at Ricky for the first time. Ricky contemplated having a moment of unguarded truth with Amy, but he quickly changed his mind because if he said it, all he'd be doing was hurting her and that's the last thing he wanted to do. He lay helpless in the hospital bed, partly because of his decision to not only slit his wrists, but to do it in the bathtub and break his legs so he couldn't back out or call for help.

When he neglected to answer, she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself too. How, everything had really been getting to her lately and Ricky was so distracted by the fact that she was talking to him, and the feel of her soft hand rubbing against his that he didn't stop her. He just listened, really _listened_ and without thinking about sex.

That was his form of escapism, the one thing he knew that he could do well, besides play the drums and manipulate people into doing what he wanted, but with Amy in this moment, all he could do was watch the expressions on her face change from serious to pensive to pain. She was in so much pain of which he had been the source of.

"You should go." He interrupted suddenly.

"Go? I just got here." Amy responded, stunned. Here she was pouring her heart out about feeling so trapped in her life and he didn't care.

"I can see that I'm the one who caused you this pain and if … if I ever thought that you'd end up here because of me, that you'd try to kill yourself over things that I did to you, I wouldn't be able to go on Amy." Ricky breathed suddenly.

"What are you saying Ricky?" She asked, holding her breath. Ricky didn't know if he could say it out loud. Did someone like him even deserve to feel something like this for anyone else and to possibly … have those feelings returned? He struggled to sit up, grunting as Amy stood up to help him, a small piece of her hair stroking the corner of his lips.

Ricky took in a deep breath, and even though the façade of being a woman, through her past history of very grown-up experiences, he could still very clearly see the innocence in her, the beauty that drew him in. He instinctively reached up to move the hair back into place as Amy giggled in response.

"_What _are you doing?" She asked with laughter in her eyes. She tucked the hair back into place and continued to help Ricky sit up, removing her left hand from her pocket to do so. A large diamond ring glistened on her hand. That was at least worth 25 grand, easy.

"Is that from Ben?"

"Yes." Amy answered quietly as Ricky rubbed his hands together. So he wasn't too wrong about his life after all. He wouldn't have that chance to give Amy what she deserved, to redeem himself from taking her virginity in the cruelest way possible, on top of a cold washing machine without even asking her if it was okay… "Don't look so shocked."

"I'm not."

"You _are._" Amy contradicted him. "Ben and I got married before you even did this to yourself." She looked at him with disgust and an almost jealousy that made Ricky sick to his stomach. "We're still waiting for the papers to come in the mail to finalize it, but for all intensive purposes, I'm Ms. Boykewich." Amy gave him a tight smile.

"So you love him?"

"Yes. I love Ben." Amy replied coldly and defensively. "We're looking into getting our own place and everything. My mom is making me get a job and Ben's dad is giving him a job at the shop. So … I think it's going to work out fine."

"Except you want to kill yourself." Ricky chimed in boldly. "That's not alright. Not to Ben or mom or your sister--"

"What about you? Would you care either way?" Amy wondered, reaching for Ricky's right wrist, the one closet to her. She carefully started to tug at the bandage…

"Don't." Ricky pulled away. "I don't want you to see it." He responded, ashamed.

"Please … I just want to…" She begged continuing to remove the bandages until scarred, reddish-pink skin was revealed. The scars were so deep, so neatly done, so planned. Amy ran her fingers along the scars, now sitting on the side of his bed to do so. Her eyes brimmed with tears thinking about Ricky doing this to himself. "You did it perfectly … how does it feel to know that you failed? That you thought you could end your life, but God stepped in and made you came back here?"

"It's worth it for moments like this." Ricky said slowly, reaching for the side of Amy's face and motioning for her to come closer to him, if she dared. As his lips brushed hers, Amy pulled away as if she had just experienced an electric shock.

"I'm _married_."

"And I'm _crazy_… at least that's what everyone is telling me. And you know what Amy… crazy people can't be held accountable for what they do. We have no rules." He bravely reached for Amy again, but she wasn't budging. Ben had been so good to her and just the thought…

Amy wasn't moving closer, but she hadn't moved too far away either, which told Ricky a lot. It took every ounce of strength he had to make sure his lips reached her and when they did, it was like the world had disappeared and they had created their own, one where only the two of them mattered.

When the two parted, Amy was gasping for air. Ricky couldn't read the expression on her face or tell what she thought about it. It was the first time he felt insecure about his ability to please a girl. Licking his lips, he could taste the lip balm that had been on her lips. "You're beautiful." He whispered as Amy rolled her eyes.

"You call that a line?"

"I call it the truth."

"Thanks for ruining it Ricky." Amy huffed with a sigh. Part of her wanted to kiss him again, ever since he had done what he did to her. She'd spent nights wondering… "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sure." He smiled his overly arrogant grin. "Just make sure to do it when Adrienne's not around." Ricky motioned to the voluptuous Mexican girl that was walking through the room door. Of course. Amy had forgotten all about her.

"Hello Amy." Adrienne hissed, growing territorial. "Keeping Ricky company?"

"No … I-I was just leaving…."

"Good."

* * *

When Amy finally made it home on her bike, it was close to dark. Her cell phone had been ringing since she went to the waterfront, but she just turned it off. That way it'd be easier to lie about not knowing that her mom and dad had been calling her all day.

She opened the front door and braced herself for another intervention. Instead, what she got was a worried Ben and an unconcerned Ashley, sitting down and reading a book. Since when was she the geek of the family?

"Your parents are out looking for you." Ben commented, rushing to hug Amy who let herself melt into his arms. Her mind was no longer on the hospital and Ricky now that she could see how worried Ben was. He cared about her. He _loved _her and she wasn't going to let a couple of unresolved things with Ricky ruin their marriage.

"Did the papers come in yet?"

"Not yet." Ben sighed.

"We should really give them a call and find out what the holdup is." Amy suggested, sounding perturbed, which was becoming more and more normal for her. It had been six weeks and nothing so far.

"I'll handle that tomorrow." Ben promised. "So, do you want to tell me where you've been?"

"Not really."

"As your husband, I deserve to know…" Amy grimaced. Uh-oh. Not the husband card again. She promised to tell Ben what was going on if he would take the drama away from Ashley. She knew too much already.

When it was just the two of them back in her room, she told him what had happened, or rather a _version _of the truth. She talked about wanting to skip therapy and how she enlisted Lauren's help and went to hang out with her for a while.

"Lauren's not allowed to hang out with you anymore." Ben argued back. Oh yeah … Amy had forgotten about that. She quickly covered by explaining that was the whole secret. That's why she had to leave on her bike, return on her bike, and not tell anymore where she was … it was for Lauren's sake. And when he asked where Madison stood in all of this, Amy shrugged and suggested that Lauren was better at keeping secrets, which she was, but not by much.

Ben hugged Amy tightly and apologized for questioning her and kissed her vehemently. She knew what this meant. The way that Ben was looking at her, and the fact that the parental units were gone, signaled a rare, yet golden opportunity for the both of them. He wanted to have sex with her, but Amy didn't want to.

That was the last thing that she wanted to do with … _anyone_. Since she was the more experienced one out of the two of them, she knew what she was talking about and what she knew was that sex was over-rated. Sure, she'd seen the steamy love scene in Titanic and Cruel Intentions and thought to herself that it was going to be the most beautiful thing in the world, but Amy had forgotten two important things: 1. Loving the person that you're doing it with 2. Not being anywhere near a washing machine … oh yeah, and not getting pregnant.

Ben kissed Amy again, more forcefully, rubbing his hands up and down the sides of her body, which only made her giggle. "Wait. Stop." She chuckled. "I can't do this."

"Amy, come on. Isn't this the reason we got married?" Ben reasoned.

"You tell me." Her expression became stern, her hands on her hips.

"It's not _the _reason sweet pea, but an important advantage to being married."

"You keep saying that we're married and we act out the parts, but I don't see any official papers." Amy proclaimed.

"You're right." Ben sighed. "I'm sorry for … pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do. I'd never want to make you uncomfortable or see you unhappy in any way." He ranted, holding Amy lovingly but not lustfully. "And I apologize." He kissed her softly.

"Okay." Amy breathed, happy to be off the hook. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with Ben in that way, it was just that she … she couldn't see herself doing _it _with anyone ever again. Ever.

* * *

Amy didn't return the next day or the day after that or the day after that. Ricky had resigned himself into believing that his life would be full of disappointments, with only Adrienne being on time for their daily quickie.

That kept him satisfied … enough, but he really just wanted to talk to someone besides the psychoanalyst that came to visit him and check his mental health.

The one thing that Ricky did know how to do was to charm anyone into believing what he wanted. Adrienne thought they were okay and the doctor was three visits away from believing that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. Ricky smirked to himself. Life sucked, but he wasn't as down as he was during the attempt.

He called in the nurse, who he had been flirting with shamelessly, to help him to the bathroom.

"Most patients in your condition have a bed pan." She responded. "I could hook it up for you."

"As much as you'd like that…" Ricky called out from the bathroom. "I hated that thing. I have to learn to walk sometime." He finished his business, washed his hands, and took a quick look in the mirror. He needed a nice shave, but he gave up on that idea when he realized that Amy probably wasn't going to show up and Adrienne liked it. So whatever.

"You okay in there?" The nurse wondered as Ricky moved slowly through the door with this walker leading the way. "Looking good."

"You too." Ricky winked at her thinking that he'd get her number once he left this place … maybe.

"Ummm … Ricky?" Amy's diffident voice squeaked, breaking the conversation between the two. "I brought you these." She placed a vase of flowers on one of the counters in the room, the nurse dismissed herself and Ricky continued walking.

"Do you need help getting back in the bed?"

"No. I'm not old just a little broken up." He shrugged off her help as Amy got a view of his exposed butt. Soft, firm and…

"So, when do you get out of here?" She forced her attention away from his naked body part.

"Planning another visit anytime soon?" Ricky inquired, only slightly bitter about being stood up for about a week now. "Don't answer that. I'm going home today actually." He looked over to see Amy's bummed expression. "But you can come over any time you want."

"Why does that sound like another line?"

"I can't move around without a walker Amy. How could I possibly to anything to you?" He rationalized, struggling to get his legs back onto the bed. She rushed to help him, despite his protests, finding a release in coming to visit Ricky.

Of course that meant that from this moment on Amy would have to go to his house for a visit, which she did. In spite of what most people would think upon hearing this, they really did just _talk_, mostly … until Ricky got bold and started to caress whatever part of her body was nearest to him. Then she'd giggle, becoming suddenly ticklish and she'd lean in enough to kiss him.

Sometimes it felt like she was just being kind to Ricky, helping him to recover. Her kisses her like charity work or something, but then there were those times when she felt like kissing wasn't the proper word for what he was doing do her.

He was calling to her innermost feelings, thoughts, the intangible and her very essence. It was these times that concerned her. When she craved to feel the heat of his lips gliding onto hers, his rough hands exploring the uncovered parts of her body, the sinking of her teeth into his bottom lip playfully.

Amy had never been this way with … anyone and to be at Ricky's house on the regular, meeting his foster parents, spending more time in his room than in Ben's, it was all so wrong. It wasn't wrong because they were doing anything physical because face it, like Ricky said he couldn't really do much of _anything_, much less anything with Amy.

It was wrong because they were starting to mean something to one another. She was finally able to articulate what she had been feeling and what she had been thinking when she decided to marry Ben. They talked about their lost baby, Amy's idea of the perfect suicide, Ricky threatening to kill her if she ever tried it and Amy kissing Ricky's scar as if her lips had some sort of healing power.

To him, they did. Each day he got up knowing that she would come for him, that she would sneak away from practice to sequester herself in his room, bringing his school assignments and whatever he needed. He didn't want to think about what would happen when he went back to school as pre-suicide Ricky and without any _real _reason for Amy to come around. But he should be pleased with the four and a half months they'd had together in secret.

Yet … Adrienne was still calling, the nurse was calling, and everyone kept asking him why. Amy knew why. He thought he was doing it for her to … atone for how he had destroyed her life. Ricky thought that was what she wanted to see happen, and that he should give her what she wanted for once.

* * *

"Don't you ever do that again. Swear it." Amy responded angrily when she heard his explanations for the suicide attempt. "Even when I hated you, I never really _hated _you. Ever." She looked down sadly, tears in her eyes. Ricky knew what was coming.

"I'm sorry about that night Amy that … that was how your first time was with anyone. I took that away from you--"

"I wanted something to happen between us. You … intrigued me and I should've told you no. I would've but I didn't want to." She licked her lips, lacing her hand in his. Ricky struggled to sit up as she slid closer to him, curving her body around his.

Ricky held onto her tightly and protectively, in that moment wanting to tell her that he loved her. But that would ruin it. He knew it would and he wasn't really sure of what that word meant, but Ricky knew that Amy had transformed him almost completely. When she started to kiss him like only a woman should, Ricky pulled away slightly.

"You don't want to do this. You don't want to have sex with me."

"I thought I didn't, but I do." She whispered, searching his eyes for some type of hidden meaning, but unable to.

He kissed her softly before muttering, "I'm still seeing Adrienne and … all those other girls."

"Then stop." Amy demanded, slightly hurt.

"I don't think I can … and I don't want to do this with you. Not like this … not until I'm not screwed up."

"If you can sleep with Adrienne then why can't you do the same with me?" Amy crossed her hands over her chest. Here it goes. Should he tell her now? Would his tongue even be able to utter those words?

"Sex means nothing to me and the girls that I sleep with mean nothing. I'm afraid that … that it will change things between us. You're the only one who really knows me and who is still here with me."

"It's not fair." She pouted, tears spilling over her cheeks freshly. "You can pick up a random girl off the street, but you won't give me a chance. Is this because you're afraid that I'll get pregnant again?"

"No." Ricky looked away, trying to maintain his stance on this, but it hurt to see her so unhappy…

"If you're not going to … then why am I here?" Amy asked herself, pulling on the cardigan that she had slipped off earlier. She knew that she was just here to use Ricky. He was a sort of catharsis and a way to avoid the Juergens-Boykewich household. "I'm going." A couple of tears ran down her cheeks.

"Don't leave mad at me like this…" Ricky begged. "I can't promise that I won't sleep with Adrienne again--"

"I'm not asking you to do that. I know who you are Ricky and I know what you want. You want this." Amy pressed, stroking his hair softly as he wrapped his arms around her, whispering into her ear … "If you can't go through with it, if you want to stop, tell me and I swear I'll stop."

"I don't want to." Another tear spilled over her cheek, as she removed her cardigan carefully. She took her time, her heart pounding so hard that she could feel it pulsating through her fingertips.

"Nervous?" Ricky kissed her forehead softly, sending a bolt of electricity through her body. "Don't be. I'll take care of you." He promised as Amy helped him to remove his shirt. This was what she wanted. Redemption.

Amy felt his hands moving in places that only she had touched, but she didn't flinch because she felt safe. Safe and at home. Ricky felt that this was his one chance to show Amy, even if he couldn't tell her, how he felt.

The way he touched her and kissed her, it wasn't like any of the lascivious encounters he'd had with Adrienne with role-playing and everything. He didn't feel like he was forcing himself upon her to the point where it hurt, but not too much. Instead … it felt like a song, a secret melody that the two of them shared. It was slow, yet unplanned, careful yet carefree and it just flowed …

When it was over, Ricky looked over at Amy, expecting to see a disgusted look on her face. She smiled, kissing his nose, caressing his hair and thanking him.

"I'll never forget this." Amy promised, dressing in front of Ricky and giving him the opportunity to see her naked like this. She was golden, glowing, and slender yet round in the right places … a combination between a boyish figure and a girl budding into womanhood.

"Where are you going?" Ricky wondered, pleased with himself.

"Home … I've got to meet Ben." Ricky tried not to look disappointed. "Don't feel bad. This was … heart-stoppingly beautiful." Amy smiled, embarrassed. "I didn't think that it would ever be like … _that_."

"Then … why are you leaving?" Ricky prompted, now assuming the role of all the other girls that had chased after him in vain.

The truth was that this encounter with Ricky was much more intense than Amy thought it would be. She couldn't handle it. She wasn't going to allow herself to stay here a second longer and think that she maybe, could possibly be … _falling _for "the drummer."

"I promised Ben we'd do something tonight. Thanks…" She grinned, not even giving Ricky a goodbye kiss. That would be too dangerous because she might not want to leave.

"Did I do something wrong? Did I hur--"

"No. It was perfect … now I know what to do when Ben asks again. Thank you." Amy rushed out the last words, truly believing that this was the cruelest thing that she had ever done. She rushed out of his house, waiting until the door slammed before she allowed herself to cry. It was so beautiful. So beautiful, that it had to end. She exhaled deeply, lowered her head, and started off on the short bike ride home.

* * *

(A/N: Based off of Jazmine Sullivan's _Lions and Tigers and Bears. _I was initially inspired by _Yellow_, but I like this one better. What do you think? It's now a two-shot. Review please. If a get enough feedback, this might turn into a THREE-shot!! Luv. –NL)


	3. I'm a Cry Baby for You

**Chapter Three: I'm a Cry Baby for You**

(A/N: Based off of Melanie Fiona's _Please Don't Go (Cry Baby)_. Enjoy and review. –NL)

**

* * *

**

Sometimes people spend their lives searching for a meaning, for something to make the endless days seem less burdensome, something to make it all seem worthwhile. Some people find that meaning in how they define themselves; doctors, lawyers, philanthropists …

But with others, they search for that meaning in love. Adrienne was obsessed with trying to compensate for years of not having a father in her life and feeling inferior because of it. 

Even though now her once absentee dad was somewhat a part of their life, even if they did resume to having a normal father-daughter connection—what the hell is normal anyway—she would still spend a big chunk of her life trying to atone and get over the fact that she was neglected and abandoned.

In a way, that was what had drawn Adrienne to sex anyway. Her first time, with her best friend who had the cancer mark of death, was the first person besides her mom to really show her love. And she wanted to experience that first time with him, but …

After it was over and he was gone she felt even emptier than before. It was around that time that Adrienne started to look more like a woman and to receive both positive and negative attention for it, but who cared. Attention was attention, right?

And she loved it.

"Hey Ricky!" Adrienne knocked on the door, waiting for him to open up. She knew that he was still recovering and it would take a while but—

"I told you not to come over tonight!" Ricky yelled, scurrying towards the door. His thoughts had been wrapped up in Amy and what she had done to him. He hadn't stopped thinking about it and was in the process of plotting another way to make it happen again.

What they had shared was more than sex, deeper than physical … something Ricky had never had with anyone, despite Adrienne's failed attempts to break down his emotional wall. If Ricky was any good, he would just let her go and stop stringing her along, but he didn't know any guy who would willingly let her go.

She was _good _at what she did. Very good.

"Come on Ricky. Open up. I just want to see how you're doing." She responded seductively as the door jerked open.

"Hurry up. Get in." He demanded, noticing that she was wearing a dress for once, instead of her normal super tight jeans.

"You sound anxious." She muttered with a grin. Ricky stared at her back, noticing she carried something in her hands.

"What's that?"

"This is my 'I'm-sorry-for-ditching-you-Adrienne-make-up-sex-cake.'"

"What?" Ricky asked confused. "Why would you make a cake for yourself on my behalf?"

"Because I knew you wouldn't do it." She smiled, placing the cake on the counter. "It's chocolate."

"Fine. Whatever … what's this about Adrienne?"

"Nothing. Can't a girl spend some time with her boyfriend?" She wrapped her hands around Ricky's waist and kissed him. He pulled away slightly and then looked down.

"Adrienne…"

"What? Do you have something you need to tell me?" Adrienne wondered, immediately thinking that he had cheated, again.

"Course not. I just wasn't expecting you." Ricky lied. He always seemed to lie to her like he couldn't tell Adrienne the truth. The truth now was that the idea of being with her wasn't as appealing as the thought of Amy. And maybe it never was.

"I know I didn't call. It's a surprise." She nibbled on his lower lip slightly as Ricky smirked to himself before kissing her back. Her eyes moistened, thinking about how much she truly wanted this to work with Ricky. And it would.

"Next time call." He demanded before hobbling back into his apartment. Thinking about Amy right now was useless because he had Adrienne and should be happy about that, right?

**

* * *

**

Ricky was acting weird, strange and Adrienne couldn't figure it out. She guessed that he had a reason to, with having tried to end his life and all but … she felt like she couldn't read him anymore. But she was trying this new thing. Adrienne was going to show Ricky all the support that she could in hopes that he would love her the way she loved him.

"Ricky's coming back to school on Wednesday." She gushed to Grace over the phone. It wasn't like she hadn't been visiting him during his recovery, but to have him at school meant that things would be back to normal … except the fact that Ricky would be going to physical _and _regular therapy.

"That's awesome Adrienne. We should do something nice for him." Grace offered in her normal overly ebullient voice.

"Nice? Ricky doesn't do nice."

"He's just not used to people doing nice things for him. We should totally get the whole school in on it so they know that he's not alone."

"Grace, he did something stupid. Ricky's not suicidal." Adrienne answered, still in denial.

"He did slit his wrists … among other things Adrienne. Ricky really needs support. Do you think Amy would be willing to help too?"

"He doesn't _need _Amy or the whole school because he has me. I'll handle it." She snapped, feeling really territorial whenever the name Amy was even mentioned. Seeing her at the hospital one too many times made Adrienne feel a little paranoid that something more was going on between them.

It didn't matter. Adrienne could make any guy want her so consequently, she could make any guy fall in love with her.

**

* * *

**

"You don't need to help me walk up the steps. I'm fine." Ricky complained as Adrienne insisted on looking after him. And it was annoying. As hell. She still refused to turn away from him for one moment, suffocating him so much so that when the gossip twins came over to talk to Ricky, he welcomed it.

"Madison, Lauren."

"Hey … have you heard about Amy?"

"We don't care." Adrienne butted in, annoyed that the conversation was back on her. She was a boring white suburban girl. Why did everyone keep acting like she was Rhianna or Kim Kardashian?

"What's going on?" Ricky rebutted.

"We think she had sex." Madison blurted out, giddily.

"Madison, we're not supposed to say anything without talking to Amy first." Lauren chimed in, her normal whiney self and feeling slightly guilty for even partaking but … this gossip was waayyy to good to ignore.

"Yeah and who cares if she did. That's old news, hence John." Adrienne added her unwanted opinion once again.

"Well, the thing is … we can't figure out with who."

"Ben … of course." Ricky chimed in, trying not to look hurt thinking about those last words she said to him. Amy called what he did 'heart-stoppingly beautiful.' He twitched at the thought of her going to be with Ben and using him for "practice."

"Yeah. No gossip there." Adrienne brushed past the two girls, trying to get Ricky to come along with her.

"You go ahead."

"Why?"

"I'm tired of walking. My leg…"

"Okay. See you later babe." Adrienne bounced off, trying not to look hurt from being blown off, again.

On her way she passed by Grace, who had ignored Adrienne's protest against the school showing how 'nice' they could be to Ricky.

**

* * *

**

When Grace Bowman put her mind to something, she did it and right now her charity case was Ricky. She had started up a suicide support group in his honor and was about to lead him to the cafeteria where everyone, well not really but sort of, had redecorated the cafeteria and signed a life-size card for him.

"Hey Grace."

"Hey Ricky. You're not thinking about skipping lunch today are you?" She wondered, very smilely and giddy.

"What's going on in the cafe Grace?"

"Did Adrienne tell you … well of course not. She doesn't even know." Grace mumbled as she walked him to the school eatery. When he walked in, everyone stopped to look at Ricky, making him feeling even more stupid and like a waste of space than normal.

"Look Ricky." Grace cheered, referring to the balloons, signs and the huge gift that was waiting for him. "Oh and … here." She brought the card over to him. "Everyone signed." She gushed.

Ricky didn't know everyone and he didn't care, but he started to search for the one name that mattered until he felt himself being pulled in another direction. Someone had brought him lunch. Indian food from his favorite restaurant.

Unable to really get a word in with Grace talking so much and all, Ricky sat quietly pretending not to be aware of the fact that everyone was watching him. Even though they had done all of these nice things for him, Ricky could tell they were waiting for him to do something dramatic.

They watched like vultures, like they were wanted him to jump on the table and hang himself in front of them so that they would have something else to talk about. Ricky tried to tune it out, forced himself to eat, and resumed looking at the card only to see that Amy's name was missing.

Amy didn't even care. And that thought made him sick to the pit of his core. Ricky stood up clumsily, rushing out of the cafe. He couldn't breathe.

Maybe if he just got out of there, it would make everything better.

**

* * *

**

Amy hadn't really been planning on skipping class or lunch, but Ben had her lunch and was in her class and living with him was much less fun than it seemed like it would be.

She ran her hands through her hair and sighed, thinking about how she was going to avoid Ben's advances again tonight. She wasn't ready to do that with him, even though they were married. It didn't matter. Amy wasn't ready.

Amy was walking through the hallway leisurely as she thought of this. Avoidance. Her new favorite action, her new favorite thing since her stoicism was slowly fading away and she was beginning to recognize her feelings. And that what was causing her so much **pain**.

"Amy."

"Hey … Ricky." She glanced up at him from the tops of her eyes, her head facing more towards the ground than anything else.

"What are you doing? Skipping?"

"Why are you talking to me?" She wondered, walking until they were face to face. "Is this about … because if it is…"

"Shh … in here." He motioned towards the old gym locker room that no one used anymore.

"Being in a dark place with you right now probably isn't the right thing for me to be doing." Amy muttered with a half-laugh.

"Is it what you want to be doing?"

"What happened between us happened and it can't happen again." She affirmed.

"Did you tell Madison and Lauren about it?"

"What?"

"They came directly up to me, _me_ and said Amy's having sex."

"I didn't say anything." Amy promised as Ricky moved closer to her.

"Are you sure?"

"I swear." Amy continued to look down even though they were both moving in.

"Good." Ricky brushed his lips against hers, lifting Amy's chin before doing so. "Don't ever look down like that. You're beautiful." He professed, feeling the warmth of her mouth once again.

"Don't do this Ricky. I'm not with you." Amy pushed him away softly.

"I know." Ricky backed away, punching the wall in frustration. "And I hate myself for it." He waltzed away, forgetting the pain in his body and now, a very bleeding left fist.

**

* * *

**

"Are you going to tell me what this is about?" Adrienne asked after coming over to Ricky's apartment later that day and changing his bandage.

"I hit a wall."

"But why? What's going on with you Ricky?"

"Why are you talking to me? You always want to talk and I don't want to--"

"Stop being a baby. I'm _trying _to build a relationship here that stands a fighting chance."

"Sex isn't enough?" He grinned perversely.

"No, it's not … not anymore." Adrienne sighed. "I don't know how to say thing but … I really love you Ricky. I mean it." She took his hands in hers. "Believe me and don't screw me over because I would do … I would do anything for you." Tears flowed from her eyes over her round cheeks.

"Don't cry." Ricky answered lamely feeling guilty for what he was doing to Adrienne. It wasn't fair but … Amy had made it very clear that even if he did love her, she wouldn't love him back. She was too good for him and Ricky knew it, but Adrienne … she was willing to give him everything and anything. "I'm just stressed. Just stress."

"The kind of stress that makes you want to slit up your wrists and mutilate your body?"

"No. Don't worry about me. I'll take care of you. Promise." Ricky kissed her forcefully until she believed it, which she did even though every bone in her body was telling her not to.

**

* * *

**

It was almost a month and Amy was sick and tired of Ben, and the rumors and everyone always being in her life.

It was almost a month and Ricky was dying from not seeing Amy. It was almost a month and Adrienne was convinced that she didn't know anything anymore.

She always thought that she knew Ricky so well, but maybe not so much. It was like when you were a kid singing lyrics to a song that you think you know by heart … and then you listen to that same song again when you're older and realize that you'd been singing the wrong lyrics all along. And that the song wasn't about rainbow and butterflies but heartache and loss.

That was how she saw Ricky now and Adrienne hated it. Even though she was now lying down on his bed with him, bare-backed and reminiscent of _Pretty Woman_, Adrienne was wondering, 'where is the love?'

"Ricky?" Adrienne asked even though it was late and he was clearly sleeping. She had a few questions for him. She had to know.

"Hmm?" He grumbled, running his hand up and down her back soothingly.

"What are you going to do after high school?"

"Adrienne … why are you asking me this in the middle of the night? I don't know. Why the hell would I know?" He answered annoyed.

"I think we should talk about it, that's all. If you're as serious as you say you are about me and we're actually going somewhere past Ulysses S. Grant High School, then I have a right to know."

"When I know, you'll know." Ricky stated before closing his eyes again.

"Well I think I'm going to college, definitely. Maybe marketing or pre-law. I may even stay here--"

"That's good for you. I'm not."

"What?" Adrienne sat up. Ricky obviously wasn't getting the hint that she wanted to know his plans so that they could be in the same place at the same time.

Ricky sighed. "Look Adrienne, as soon as graduation is over, that's it. I'm leaving. I can't stand this town and the people always gossiping. I want to start over."

"Well, maybe we can start over together." Adrienne suggested, stroking his hair softly. "I don't _have _to stay here. We could go to California or Hawaii, Florida, New Jersey, Ohio … wherever **we** want."

"Yeah." Ricky sighed again. How long was he going to keep doing this? How long until he got tired of using Adrienne for her body, for her sexual experience? How long until he stopped manipulating her into believing they could become something when they just weren't right for each other?

As Adrienne pouted, displeased with the answers she'd been receiving, Ricky's phone began to ring.

"Don't answer it." She demanded, kissing him roughly.

"I have to see who it is. It might be something important." Ricky hopped out of bed, rushing to his cell phone only to see that it was Amy. "Yeah?"

"I know it's really late to call you and everything but … I've been thinking about things and how much I'm _screwing _up my life right now. I might not be able to handle it anymore." She ranted, sounding as though she were hyperventilating.

"Where are you? I'll come get you." Ricky stated, slipping on pants, a shirt and a jacket before running out the door. Adrienne called out after him, but Ricky was already gone. Boyfriend leaving naked girlfriend in the middle of the night was suspicious and Adrienne was going to find out what the hell was going on … without Ricky even knowing.

**

* * *

**

"Thanks for meeting me here." Amy sobbed, her bicycle resting against the park bench that she was sitting on and looking down at her hands, rolling something in between her fingers.

"No problem. Can I sit--"

"Sure." Tears continued streaming down her cheeks and Ricky felt obliged to wipe them away. There was no other remedy. He couldn't see her hurt and not do anything about it. "Ricky."

"Amy I can't see you sitting here and hurting and not do anything. What's this in your hand?"

"I was thinking about how I would end it and I'm still not brave enough to think of anything beyond the pills." She tossed them over to Ricky. "Take them before I get the courage to open them up."

Ricky tucked the pill bottle into his back pocket while glancing at the label. Lithium. "What's going on Amy?"

"I feel so guilty about what we did, about the baby, Ben, Adrienne ... everyone."

"Don't ever feel guilty about Adrienne. She knows how I am." Ricky explained.

"Everyone does. You just use girls for sex."

"I'm trying not to do that anymore." Ricky answered truthfully. "I'm trying to--"

"You don't have to lie to me because you see this as an opportunity Ricky. I know what I'm doing and I came here for a reason." Amy breathed slowly, her tears now stopping. She stared at him like an innocent doe, like a girl would who was about to take off her clothes for the first time in front of a perverted cameraman.

And that's what Ricky felt like.

"What did you call me for?"

"More practice." Amy laughed to herself. "I was thinking about … about the way you kissed me, how it was like really signature … it really stood out in my mind and I want to be able to do it too."

"You want me to teach you how to kiss?"

"Not exactly … I want to try something on you and you tell me if it's good or not."

"Okay, but … let me go first." Ricky pressed his lips together before a burst of energy surged through his body and through Amy's lips. He lingered there for a while, nibbling on her lower lip leaving Amy breathless.

"See what's what I mean …" Amy grinned to herself. "My turn." She sighed, pressing her lips against the side of Ricky's neck up until she paused by his ear. Ricky felt inclined then and there to tell Amy how much he loved her.

How he wanted to be with her, how he missed talking to her freely and seeing her every day. How moments like these made his life worthwhile, how he looked forward to them and felt like his life force was gone without them.

"You don't need any more practice." Ricky stated with utter probity. "Amy … why did you really call me out here?"

"No reason." She looked down, not wanting to tell Ricky that she saw him as way more than anyone else did. He was becoming so important to her, like this wonderful additive to her life that made her want to smile, laugh, and glow.

"I'm glad you called up in the middle of the night crying for no reason." Amy laughed as Ricky said this. "If you weren't married to-to Ben, where would this be going?"

"Exactly where it's going now, nowhere."

"I demand friendship or … something for you calling me in the middle of the night--"

"You said if I ever thought about killing myself again to let you know."

"Yeah I did, didn't I?" Ricky rested his arm along the back of the park bench as the two started talking about how high school was a freak show and other stuff they couldn't talk about with anyone else. By the time it was starting to turn from night to morning, Amy didn't want to leave.

She hugged Ricky from behind, surprising even herself, not letting go for a while. "Thanks for this."

"No thanks needed. I needed it just as much as you did." Ricky answered, his hand brushing hers lightly as Amy reached for her bike. Ricky pulled her back. "Let me drive you home. It's not safe."

"People will talk." Amy looked down.

"I know. They always do even when nothing is happening." He lifted her chin with his hand. "Besides, I want to make sure you get there."

"See you." Amy ignored his comment, kissing Ricky softly one last time and then taking off on her bike. It wasn't long until he had caught up to her in his car, driving slowly and blasting the radio until he found a song that Amy liked. He followed her all the way home until Amy had disappeared inside the house.

As Ricky was reelingfrom the night they had spent together, the most amazing night he had had with anyone not involving a sexual encounter, Adrienne was plotting her revenge.

She had followed him and seen them together. She had the evidence and it the only thing left to do was make this work in her favor … and to figure out how she could be more like what Ricky seemed to like … Amy.

**

* * *

**

"So would you say that your sister is innocent?" Adrienne asked Ashley the next day at school.

"Are you looking for ammo on how to hurt my sister?"

"Course not. I'm just trying to find reasons to like her." Adrienne smiled, even though her real reason for talking to Ashley was to find out more about Amy and … how to be _like _her.

"Well, she's really sweet but … if you make her angry she can hold a grudge." Ashley began as Adrienne took mental notes. While terribly boring, there was absolutely nothing that she said that would help Adrienne out. So she would have to do this another way.

"Ricky!" Adrienne called out, bidding Ashley goodbye in the middle of her sentence about how normal Amy was. Blah.

"What's up babe?" He wondered, extremely pleasant. If Adrienne hadn't followed him last night, she would've thought they were getting somewhere via that response.

"Nothing. Something going on that you want to tell me about?" She backed him into a locker, trapping him and forcing Ricky to look her directly.

"Nope." He lied with such ease that it would've pissed Adrienne off … if she didn't have a back-up plan.

"That's funny because I thought you were out with _Amy _last night. Guess I was watching the wrong pair on the park bench making out."

"Adrienne you're delusional. Amy is married."

"And you're a terrible liar … don't worry Ricky, I fight fire with an even bigger fire."

**

* * *

**

The next day Adrienne's plan began to unfold. It started off with a new look. Her long, black, curled tresses were now bone straight and significantly shorter, barely brushing the tops of her shoulders. The color was the most dramatic part … it was a lighter brown, a color that resembled that of Ricky's latest love interest, Amy Juergens.

The whispers and looks of surprise in the hallway exhibited the buzz that Adrienne has been looking for. But it was something else that she was more in and looking forward to … and that was the look on Ben _and _Amy's faces when she revealed the truth to them.

**

* * *

**

Amy was back to working it out with Ben and more pleasant, mostly because she was still glowing from the time she had spent with Ricky, and they were totally talking every night. It was secret, forbidden and a little dark … everything Amy had never been allowed to be.

On cloud nine, she opened her locker as usual and was surprised to see a DVD there marked '**WATCH ME.' **Thinking that no harm would be done, Amy immediately rushed to homeroom and started the video in anticipation.

And her anticipation was soon replaced by disgust. This wasn't what she was expecting at all. It was a DVD of Ricky and Adrienne sleeping together or about to … whatever, they were half naked and talking about stuff.

Amy almost stopped it until she heard her name. "And what do you have to say about Amy? How was she in bed?"

"I don't even remember." Ricky laughed it off. "She was just this stupid girl that I got knocked up. It was so easy to do too… for all I know it might not even be my baby."

"Ricky." Adrienne whined. "Now that's just cruel." She faced the camera directly in front of her and smiled as Amy's eyes started to well up with tears.

**

* * *

**

"How do you like it?" Adrienne asked, approaching Ricky before band class. She had changed her clothing and everything it read more … Gwen Stefani outrageous than her normal tight jeans and low top.

"You look ridiculous. Tell me that's a wig." Ricky touched her hair lightly.

"Nope. All mine." She smiled back. "I know it's … different, but it'll grow on you." Adrienne embraced him suddenly.

"What's this about? Are you backing down for once?"

"Not this time. But I _might _be able to forgive you if … you come over tonight. You can spend the night. My parents are away."

"As enticing as that sounds … not tonight Adrienne. My leg's still--"

"Whatever. I guess I'd have to be knocked up to get your attention anyway." She pouted back, tears starting to form.

"Why would you say that … you're not?" Ricky started to ask as Adrienne shrugged looking both hurt and triumphed at the same time. "Did you stop taking birth control? ADRIENNE!" Let him wait and wonder. She was going to sit back and watch the damage unfold. Then, Ricky would finally see that he would miss her if she wasn't in his life anymore.

In the meantime, she would resort back to being the closet cry baby she truly was and think about how stupid Ricky was being. But she couldn't let herself think about what she would do if Ricky didn't want to be with her again—if this Amy Juergens imitation just weirded him out, or worse … if he finally just said he didn't love her. Damn, she was so damaged.

**

* * *

**

Speaking of damage … meanwhile, Ben was faced with a huge surprise of his own … a collection of photos of Amy and Ricky kissing and looking much more like a couple than two people who had had a one-night stand.

"Amy…" He approached her as soon as school was over.

"Hey Ben." She smiled and hugged him tightly.

"Amy, we need to talk …" Ben started, showing her the photos. Her cheeks reddened and she became extremely embarrassed, especially when she saw Ricky walking past her.

"I'll meet you home." Amy responded, running off to give Ricky a piece of her mind. "I'm glad I finally got to see your true colors."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ricky, I saw the video tape. This 'watch me' crap." She yanked the DVD out of her backpack and chucked it at him. "Real nice."

"But I didn't--"

"You did say I was a stupid girl who was easy to get knocked up and that you might not be the father … nice to know what you really think about me."

"Amy. Don't. This was just some stunt that Adrienne is pulling. Whatever you saw … I apologize but I don't feel that way about you Amy, not now. I have a habit of saying what Adrienne wants to hear not to hurt her and because I don't want to always face the truth."

"And how do I know you're not just saying what you think I want to hear?"

"Because you know me better than that." Ricky sighed. "Look … let me come over tonight and we'll talk."

"No thanks. I've got to explain some photographs to my husband." Amy walked off and solicited Lauren for a ride home. She didn't say a word but everyone in school probably knew by now.

"Good luck with Ben."

"Does everyone know?"

"Not yet."

"Good. Thanks Lauren." Amy hopped out of the car, grabbing her bike from the trunk. She meandered, taking her time to the front door where Ben was waiting on her with some big news in his hands. The envelope that he was holding was much more disconcerting than Ricky with Amy.

The letter from the state department was saying that the marriage papers were filled out incorrectly or misdirected. Amy was not a Boykevich, but still a Juergens.

"Ben, you wanted to talk?"

"Yes Amy … I think we need to reevaluate our relationship. I think we need to get away and … and… renew our vows."

"But don't you want to hear about--"

"No. I trust you and I know it won't happen again." Ben hugged her tightly, hiding and crumbling the letter behind him. "We should just do everything all over. Get new papers and everything … you can tell me about these pictures and Ricky only if you want. I won't pressure you and I understand that you guys will always be connected in some sort of way." Ben continued, playing the sensitive, thoughtful, nice guy who was going to stay by Amy's side.

And he was. But right now, he had to keep Amy and get her to want to be with him again. And maybe if he could get Amy to remarry him then he would never have to tell her that they were never married… and maybe she'd realize that Ben was the right choice, _not _'the drummer.'

**

* * *

**

**(A/N: I wanted to do something more from Adrienne's point of view but I've only touched the surface with her. Even though it wasn't my intention, this _might _turn out to be a Ricky-Amy pairing … or I could do something more interesting. We'll see as long as you keep reviewing because I was actually going to stop at the last chapter… --NL) **


	4. Stuck in Reverse

**Chapter Four: Stuck in Reverse **

(A/N: Song title from Coldplay's _Fix You_. Luv. -NL)

**

* * *

**

The past was always there. Even if you don't live in the past, you're always effected by it because we are the sum of our experiences, our loses, our hurts and in Ricky's case, our abuses. When you live so long with someone treating you like you're disposable, when you live in that form of domestic imprisonment, that's when you start realizing that life is an endless string of nothingness.

It leads you around in circles, back to where you used to be, back in situations that you've already faced and it challenges you when you least expect it. Ricky felt like the months of restraint and feigned peace that he'd created from within had shattered the moment he even _thought _about retailiating like that.

It was exactly what his father would have done. He'd have humiliated Ricky, forced him to eat food that Mr. Underwood had tossed on the floor, along with the dog shit that customarily lay there and not let up until Ricky was in tears.

Then, he'd hug his son and for a moment, Ricky thought that God didn't hate him and that his prayers had been answered. And just as quickly as Mr. Underwood had hugged him, he'd kick his son to the ground and beat him into submission, beat him until he agreed until … he had his way with Ricky and then went to pimp him out to someone else.

Ricky would always say that no matter what, he'd never be like that. He'd never hurt people but Ricky Underwood was in himself a disease, like a fatal cancer or worse, a strand of the HIV virus immune to the antiquated "modern" medicine. He was an unstoppable force, threatening and breaking through anything good or in Adrienne's case, the half-way decent.

He had no right to put his hands on a woman, _ever_ but Adrienne wasn't a woman or a little girl. She was a snake and Ricky had a right to rid his life of evil, right? _Not so much._ That didn't stop him from going over to her house that night and picking a fight.

That didn't stop him from yelling at her and telling her nasty things about herself. Ricky did worse than call her a bitch, which has almost become synonymous to "girl" in our current society. He'd gone as far as to mention her absentee father, which was the one spot that still hurt her heart.

"I must've struck a chord." Adrienne shot back, too focused on Ricky's pain to burst out into tears. She would do that later tonight, alone in her large empty bed. Adrienne ignored any sense of pain and kissed him hungrily. "You want to?" She motioned to her empty bedroom.

"I don't know why you don't get it Adrienne. Your number is up. Being with you is nothing compared to what it is with Amy, and the only way I can even sleep with you is because I pretend you're her." Ricky sneered as he said this.

"You're one hateful bastard Ricky." She muttered, without a doubt hurt, but looking just as controlled as usual, just with eyes so watery that it stunned Ricky that they still hadn't shed into full-blown tears.

"What you did was wrong Adrienne."

"I told the truth." She admitted. "You said those things on camera. It's not like I made them up or made it look like you said it. You're the one to blame."

"Why are you so jealous of Amy? Is it just because of me?"

"Amy is _married _Ricky. Why can't you respect that?" She rolled her eyes at Ricky, giving him a shove.

"Because …" Ricky punched the wall angrily. "I don't need you to remind me of it. I need you to stay out of it."

"You know I won't do that. I've just started." She threatened as Ricky thought of even more hurtful things to say … meaning that he went back to the father thing. This final blow shot her over the edge as she backed Ricky into the wall and slapped him.

Ricky smirked as she did it again until he'd had enough, until he decided to retaliate. And that didn't happen until Adrienne called Amy a bitch. And almost as though his body was acting on an impulse all its own, his fist hit her face with the power of a speeding train. One, twice, three times…

Adrienne's hands rushed to her face as Ricky gave her another hard shove into the wall.

"Don't you of all people _ever _talk about Amy like that. Ever. You dumb bitch."

The intensity in Ricky's eyes told Adrienne that he was serious. It also terrified her because she had never seen Ricky so angry before and although he had grabbed her roughly in the past, Ricky never put his hands on her … not like this.

Once his temper calmed, Ricky headed away from Adrienne, resisting the urge to spit on her. That's what he felt like doing. That's what he felt about her … but his **_spit _**was too good to touch her. Ricky vowed that no part of his body would ever touch her again. "It's over." He spat out hatefully.

"Screw you!" Adrienne yelled back, throwing a glass cup at Ricky, which missed him by a couple of inches, as he walked away. She regained her bearings and decided on plan B. She was going to annihilate Ricky Underwood. And no one could hurt someone else like their blood relative…

* * *

"I love you … I love you … I _love _you…." Amy practiced in the mirror. She was truly grateful that Ben had given her another chance and was so understanding. He always was that way with Amy, which let her know that Ben was the one she needed to be with. These were all things that she was thinking out the outside, but inside Amy felt differently. The longer she was with Ben, the longer it was less natural and free. She felt sort of … stuck? But they were in love, so they could work through it all? Doesn't love conquer everything?

But if that was so true then why was she practicing on how to sound convincing? Amy sighed and rolled her eyes and decided that maybe it wasn't the best idea to be thinking about him now. Maybe she just needed to take a break and think about herself? That sounded so selfish.

Ring. Ring.

"Perfect." Amy sighed, just knowing that it would be Lauren _or _Madison … or worse, both of them. "Hey." She answered without looking. "Who's the gossip now?"

"Us." Ricky's smooth voice whispered into her ear sending waves through he**r **body as though he were sitting right beside her instead of across a telephone line.

"What are you doing calling me? Trying to make more forgettable memories with me?"

"I broke it off with Adrienne. What she did … she did to tear us apart."

"There is no _us_ Ricky. It was sex and I slept with you out of pity." Even as the words escaped her mouth, Amy could see that it was so obviously false. She really needed to work on her lying.

"When can you pity me again?"

"Ben asked me to marry him again."

"What did you tell him?" Ricky asked eagerly. Amy could hear his breathing slow down in anticipation.

"Yes."

"Why would you do that when you know how I feel about you Amy?"

"And how's that?"

"Come with me and … I can show you better than I can explain it. I hate what Adrienne did to you and I want you to know that it's not true. I remembered that night all too well … and the night after that-"

"Stop saying what I want to hear and tell me the truth Ricky."

"The truth?"

"Yeah."

"I can't stop thinking about you Amy. You say one thing and then do another and it leaves me confused. I-I don't know where I stand with you Amy. I don't know if I should just give up or-"

"Or? What is it Ricky … you can have sex with anyone."

"Would that change your mind about me? If I started sleeping with Adrienne again? What about Madison or Lauren or-"

"I don't care. It's your life."

"Fine. If you want to be stubborn, I can be stubborntoo. See you in school Amy." Ricky whispered, hanging up as Amy clutched the phone and held it to her ear long after the conversation was over. Her hand was shaking as she thought about what she had done.

Was it really over between her and Ricky? Had she just lost that chance? But did she really care?

These emotions were taking over and if Amy didn't do some damage control soon … she'd once heard of how some people handled their pain. Back then, to happy innocent Amy, it weirded her out. But now, it sounded like her only way out. She just needed to find something pointy enough-

"Hey honeybee." Ben knocked on the door before walking in. Amy hung up the phone, allowing him to hug her softly and to kiss her lightly on the lips. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." Amy muttered, resting her hand on his shoulder and realizing how good it felt and how _this _should be what she was thinking about and chasing … not dreams of a emotionally unstable bad boy who kept calling her down for a good time.

* * *

"I thought I was dead to you." Adrienne mumbled after agreeing to meet with Ricky a few days later. Abuse was never her thing, but Adrienne had never really been treated the _right _way by anyone. She could forgive on the people that she loved and she was enamored with Ricky.

"You _are_. Come with me." Ricky demanded, taking her by the arm. He had been thinking about what he'd done and what he'd done was … completely out of line and completely not who he wanted to be.

"Are you trying to suck up to me so I'll stop whatever it is that I have planned? Or maybe you'll give me second round of body shots in order to get rid of the little one. Got your boxing gloves ready?" Adrienne joked, loving to get under Ricky's skin almost as much as she loved him being under her.

"Will you stop saying that? I know you're not pregnant. You're too smart for that."

"Are you sure we used a condom _every _time?" She shot back as Ricky stopped in his tracks, thinking. It wouldn't take him forever to realize that they hadn't. They both knew that Adrienne being preggers was possible.

"Then let's talk options."

"There's nothing to say. We're having this baby." Adrienne walked away triumphed. She felt even more powerful once her 'Plan B' had arrived. "Dominic … what are you doing here?" She tried to act surprised as Ricky's step brother walked into the scene.

"Dom? What the …" His voice trailed off as Ricky watched his off and on again girlfriend give his trouble-making brother an overly friendly embrace.

Ricky was willing to ignore this because he could care less who Adrienne was with. It was Dominic's arm around _Ricky's neck_, like they were cool,that drove him wild. And through him off the edge. And it pissed him off to know that Dominic never had to go through what Ricky had. And looking at that look in Dominic's eye, he was here to do some major damage, to expose Ricky in a way that he never wanted.

"Why are you here?"

"Payback little bro. And judging from the little shit you've become, you'll deserve every second of it." He muttered back.

Ricky pushed him away forcefully even though he knew that Dominic held all of the cards. He knew all of Ricky's secrets. Everything. And since Ricky was playing with an empty hand, the only thing he could do was react emotionally. And that was when his fist made contact with Dominic's jaw.

* * *

(A/N: I know, not my best but I'm in need of ideas. **What do you want to see happen? **I've finished the next chapter but if you give me some suggestions, it could all change. So far no decided pairings.–NL)


	5. The First Cut is the Deepest

**The First Cut is the Deepest **

* * *

Facing her pain was becoming more painful that Amy could've imagined. How was she to know it would be so bad when she'd spent so much time trying to hide her feelings away? Amy couldn't tell if the bigger problem was what she finally facing in her life or how she was coping with it all.

She was learning quite quickly that pain could easily be forgotten, if a more intense pain followed. Amy knew she was playing a dangerous game, using this knowledge to her advantage, but she couldn't help herself. She was so tired of crying herself to sleep, of imagining that falling for Ricky was a good thing and most of all thinking about the baby girl that she'd never got to nurture.

Amy groaned in relief as she drowned out the emotional pain with a deeper pain. It only hurt for a second and then everything else was forgotten. All she had to do was clean everything up so no one could know or care.

"Honey bee, are you ready?" Ben wondered, knocking on the door and taking Amy out of her moment. Damn it. She was riding on the wave of ecstasy and sovereignty and now the moment was broken.

"Fifteen minutes. I promise."

"Can't you hurry babe? I don't want to be late." Ben called back. "Remember what today is?" He wondered in a sing-songy voice walking into the bathroom as Amy shut the door abruptly. "Whoa. Amy … what's going on in there?"

"Nothing. You can get a head start. I'll see if I can get a last-minute ride from Lauren or Madison or … someone."

"No, I'll wait." Ben offered, willing to do anything and everything for Amy as usual which was starting to annoy her. It was all too perfect, too cliché, too boring.

"No, I mean it." She stuck her head out of the bathroom for a moment. "Go. Tell everyone the good news."

"Okay."

"I love you baby. I mean it." Amy practically whispered, waiting for Ben to come and kiss her goodbye as he normally did. It was a close-mouth devoid-of-passion physical encounter which allowed Amy to further justify _not _taking it to the next physical level with her husband. Something was just missing.

* * *

Her little adventure had set Amy back a few minutes, but she was able to make up for lost time and was rushing down the hallway, passing out her wedding invitations to well … _everyone. _

Even through her fleeting moment of happiness, school always left lingering thoughts in her head that even the most cunning of plans couldn't outsmart.

Amy was wondering what it meant when Ricky said he could be stubborn too. She passed out invitations and looked at each of the girls, studying them and trying to figure out which one had slept with Ricky.

She had only passed out around ten invitations when she noticed that everyone was staring or rather averting her gaze.

And aversion meant that there were bigger things going on.

"Madison, _what _is going on and why is everyone staring at me like that? Do they know about the wedding already?"

"It's no big deal." She shrugged it off.

"Lauren…." Amy whined.

"If I were you, I'd stick to the plan and pass out the invitations and maybe everyone will just get over it."

"Get over wha…" Amy's voice trailed off once she saw bright red blood on the ground. The only way this could be connected to either Ben or Ricky and she couldn't help but wonder if it was Ricky and if he'd tried to hurt himself again.

Amy briskly walked to the nurse's office and then started running, the wedding invitations that she had been holding slid from her grasp. She didn't even notice. All of them had fallen, except for one.

"Is everyone okay?" She paused at the door frame, afraid of what lay in front of her. "Ricky?" Amy called out, running to the figure that she knew was his. She knew his body really well, no matter the angle no matter if it were naked or fully clothed. Amy knew Ricky like she knew herself, at least that's how she felt a lot of the time.

"Did you do something stupid? Why would you do that?" She whispered to him, emotionally unable to stop herself from crying. Damn it. All of her hard work from this morning went down the gutter. She'd wasted all of that time for nothing.

"Amy, you're here…" All she could see were bruises on his face and anyone who was paying half-attention would've deduced that Ricky had just gotten an ass-kicking and not been involved in some ill-conceived plan to publically off himself.

"You look at me and you listen to me. You're not allowed to kill yourself okay? You can't even try that shit anymore." Amy continued, numerous drops of tears falling all over him.

"You care?"

"Of course I care. I always have." Amy brushed his hair off of his face before taking everything she was feeling at that moment and pushing it into a kiss.

"You're amazing."

"You're going to get me in so much trouble." Amy smiled so caught up that she was willing to give herself to him then and there. It was like the whole video-tape incident was forgotten, Ricky's hand in the unborn Juergens baby's death eradicated and his overall sexaholic nature obliterated.

Amy found herself acting without thinking, almost like she was outside of herself. There was a part of her telling Amy to back off, that a future with Ricky was impossible. But Amy was weak now that she'd opened herself up to her emotions and they were telling her that denying Ricky would be denying herself.

She quickly found her black blazer, which she customarily wore since the incident, off and falling to the ground. Who cared? She'd get it later.

"We can't do this here." Ricky whispered softly, his lip black and blue.

"Then tell me where. Anywhere." Amy answered as the two moved onto the old auditorium where Amy had had her first high school band performance.

"I'm sorry this place isn't … the best."

"It beats a washing machine." She joked back, pulling Ricky closer to her. The heat was crazy and she felt this insatiable urge to take them off, immediately.

"I'm sorry about that." Ricky apologized once he found something that worked for the both of them. He had placed Amy on one of the shelves while he started to remove his pants.

"Wait. I want you to show me something new, something different." Amy begged, not knowing what was coming over her, but the heat was still there.

"Okay." Ricky gave her a small smirk and lifted her off the counter. "Just trust me." He whispered into her ear, wrapping his hands around Amy's waist from behind and thinking about how much he wanted to be the one for her, her everything. "Is this okay?" Ricky asked, talking Amy through this whole thing.

"This isn't my first time so … just do it." Amy demanded surprised at how Ricky was still able to amaze her, to wow her, to draw her in, even when he'd done the most horrible things. Naïve dimwits would call it love, but Amy knew it was infatuation, like a drug. And it was _dangerous_. But it sure felt good.

* * *

"Just the man I was looking for." Adrienne sauntered over to Ben in her overly sexy way, which made him uber uncomfortable.

He wanted to just tell her to keep her distance since Adrienne was like cyanide. Sweet but deadly. But he was much too much of a nice guy to be up front with Adrienne.

"Hello Adrienne. How are you?" He asked instead.

"You are _such _a nice guy. I'd almost forgotten." Adrienne gave him a small smile. Time to set-in motion part B of the plan. _Retain an ally from the other side. _

"What's this about?"

"I'm the one who sent you the pictures of Ricky and Amy together and I was hoping that you'd want to _talk _about what we can do to keep them apart. I can totally do it by myself, but it's much easier if I have you to look out for Amy so-"

"I'm in." Ben answered eagerly.

"Perfect."

**

* * *

How did something so beautiful turn into a witch hunt? Amy couldn't figure out why she'd been so stupid in the first place. If she'd just kept her clothes on in the first place—**

"Answer me Amy! Why are you doing this to yourself?" He almost yelled, his eyes all over her thighs, her thighs which had been slashed this morning and the morning before and any other time of the day when she felt too much.

"You answer me first. Why did you try to kill yourself?"

"Because I had nothing to live for. But now-"

"Don't finish that thought. I'm not trying to kill myself-"

"But you're _torturing _yourself Amy which is so much worse." Ricky laced his hands behind his neck. He had been so blind, so caught up in the moment of showing Amy something "new," that he didn't even notice Amy was hurt until she winced.

"It's my body."

"If you hurt, I hurt."

"Would you _stop it? _Please? We're not the same person Ricky, not matter how many personal stories you've told me or I've shared with you. No matter how many different ways I let you fu-"

"Don't say it like that Amy. I don't want to hear you speak like that."

"I wouldn't know what that meant if it wasn't for you."

"When did you start cutting?"

"I mean you're a pro, right? How many girls are on your list?"

"Where did you get the idea Amy?"

"Do you pick innocent girls only and then turn them into little sluts or does anything with a vagina do?"

"Is that all you really think of me?" Ricky forced Amy to look at her and she couldn't look away. Now was the time. She had to decide if she was going to be real with the situation or ice it out. _Ice it out_.

"Yeah. You know how to hit the G spot real nice." She answered back, being as cruel and crude as she could, hoping to push him away. "I'll call you again when I need another fix or when I'm feeling lonely but don't wait up for me. I may get tired of having pity sex all the time. By the way, your face looks terrible."

"Amy…"

"Ricky, I mean it. You're good at what you do." She gave him one last dry kiss, pushed him away forcefully and then went back to her corner to finish dressing. Ricky slammed the door behind him a few minutes later and it was then that she knew it was safe. It was safe… and she slid to the ground and gave herself a few moments to compose herself and get used to the idea of being Ms. Boykevich.

* * *

"You're a genius." Adrienne took a sip of the alcoholic drink in front of her. She wasn't really the type to drink, she was a little Type A about that, but Ricky had reacted just the way she had hoped. And she had made it known that she was with Dominic now, or better … she'd planted that idea into Ricky's mind.

"So tell me how bad did he hurt you?"

"What?"

"Anyone who would go through all these theatrics is really in too deep."

"I am not." Adrienne argued back. "I'm just working to get it back to where it used to be."

"And you need me to do that?"

"I didn't hunt you down to have you judge or try to run your psychology on me. Dominic you are important in this plan but not invaluable so don't get it twisted."

"So you love him huh?"

"Just a little bit." Adrienne admitted, smiling and thinking about how in this light Dominic reminded her of Ricky. It wasn't that they looked alike, but the confidence that he had way surpassed Ricky's and that, along with his feigned nonchalance, is what drew Adrienne to Ricky in the first place.

That and the awesome physical encounters.

But unlike Ricky, Dominic wasn't so guarded with what he was really feeling. Dominic Underwood was really into Adrienne and it was so obvious.

"That's too bad." He answered after a small pause, sipping his drink and still keeping his eyes on her.

"Would you stop that?" She laughed slightly at the attention. Come on, every girl wanted to be wanted. "Doesn't it bother you that I'm involved with your brother?"

"More like trying to get him back and he doesn't deserve you."

"You hardly know me." Adrienne shot back, hanging over his every word. _Damn_. He may have been saying the same trite things, but they sounded like gold coming from his mouth—rare and super valuable.

"I can tell a lot about you already. Like … you have a big heart. You love hard and fast. You're really affectionate, possessive, outspoken. You're loyal-"

"And you're freaking me out. What gave me away?"

"Because I'm a lot like you." Dominic answered, letting his eyes rest for a moment before catching Adrienne's again.

"I'm not as easy to get as you think."

"Good. I like a chase."

"And I'm in love with someone else."

"Why does everything have to be a love thing?" Dominic wondered back. Cute, sharp as a tack … nothing like what she thought when she'd found him in some grimy apartment where about five other guys lived. She'd promised to pay him off if he re-enrolled in school again and made Ricky's life hell.

"I don't sleep with strangers."

"Who said anything about sex?"

"Isn't that what every guy wants from a girl?" Adrienne wondered. "That's how I got your brother."

"Sex is irrelevant if you don't know the person or they don't mean anything to you. Look, stop giving me a freakin rebuttal for everything I say. Adrienne, you are a beautiful intelligent _woman _and I want to share in that with you. I'll go along with this whole Ricky thing, but you have to be real with me."

"Real?"

"Yeah."

"I can do that." Adrienne relaxed a little, feeling that now that sex was out of the equation, this relationship was safe. But why was it that she was here with Dominic, having the best time she'd had since pre-Amy Ricky? And their connection was super-magnetic, super attractive and despite herself, she started thinking about what it'd be like to sleep with him.

**

* * *

****Three weeks later**

Who was she? Ricky had been playing that through his mind all day, wondering when sweet perfect Amy had become damaged goods. And it all lead back to him. He was no good from the start and now she was out of control. Amy was broken.

And Ricky wanted to fix her. Even as a friend, in whatever capacity. Damn, was this what love felt like? It was exhausting and he couldn't turn it off. Ricky just prayed that he was what Amy needed.

Ding dong.

Ricky had run the doorbell and it was too late to run now. He could already hear the footsteps.

"Here comes the drama." Ashley muttered in her monotone way, making a path for Ricky to walk through.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner Mr. and Ms. Juergens, but I need to speak to Amy."

"No he doesn't." She argued back quickly suddenly feeling alive. Dinner had been increasingly dull since the Juergens were trying to become ultra-conservative and model "Christians." And Ben had always been, well nice. Not exciting or interesting, just nice. And Ricky was … hell on wheels.

"I thought you had this important project to work on Amy. It's like 40% of your grade for your band class…"Ashley chimed in, covering them for no apparent reason.

"Oh. That one." Amy played along since any continued denials on her part would look too suspicious and she didn't want to be double teamed by her parents. "Mom and dad may I be excused?" Amy wondered as they nodded, she gave Ben a quick kiss on the lips before grudgingly following Ricky to her backyard, past where they'd buried baby Juergens.

"What the hell is this?" Ricky cringed hearing these words. Amy sounded so … bitter.

"I'll get right to it."

"Please do. Time's running out."

"Amy Juergens, will you go out with me?"

"Do you not remember our conversation from earlier? I've been using you for sex." Amy lied, but making that lie rolls off her tongue like butter.

"Then use me all the time, however you need me. All I'm asking for is a chance."

"But I'm getting married, I _am _married." She repeated.

"But not for another couple of months right? Look Amy, no one has to know but I want you to just give me this one thing. I don't want you for sex or anything, but I do want all of you. I know that I'm the worse influence on you and I've caused everything to turn wrong in your life-"

"Yes. I'll do it." Amy nodded kissing Ricky openly and passionately. "Give me a few minutes and meet me in your car."

**

* * *

Ben Boykevich was not as naïve and dull as everyone thought, and his alliance with Adrienne had made him all the wiser of what he had to do. If he wanted Amy, he had to fight for her against Ricky and judging by the way she'd just kissed 'the drummer,' Ben was losing.**

"Hello Adrienne. Time to up the ante … they're running off together again." He whispered, watching Amy jump into Ricky's car and then disappear.

"I've got it covered." Adrienne whispered into her phone was Dominic walked into the kitchen. "Game over." She added, closing her cell phone.

"What's over?"

"Me walking on eggshells with you. Look, here are the rules … I make up all of the rules. When I say it's over, you disappear. And if at any time I tell you _no, _you stop. Got it?" Adrienne looked at him seriously.

"Yes. You make up the rules. Got it." Dominic nodded, hugging Adrienne for a little bit, which stroke her as strange for a guy to do when she was about to give it up. She was expecting for him to kiss her like she was his first breath of air after nearly suffocating, not for him to be so gentle.

"And don't get attached."

"Too late." Dominic joked, giving Adrienne the first unplanned kiss they'd had … ever.

When he placed her carefully into her bed, Adrienne stopped him when he reached for a condom.

"We don't need it." She promised. "Just … do it." Adrienne felt like an asshole as soon as she said it like that. It ruined the moment, but Dominic didn't seem phased. He still touched her carefully like if he was too rough with her, she'd break.

And as it went on, Adrienne realized that it was an experience she would never forget. She'd never had someone treat her like she was a person. They'd all just gotten it over with, thought about themselves or worse … she hadn't had a say in it at all.

Just the way he treated Adrienne made her know that Dominic was different. And it left her speechless.

* * *

Phase two of the plan was done and now that Adrienne and Dominic were inseparable, she was starting to wonder what she'd done it all for. Whereas her love for Ricky was the driving force before, now it was her hate of Amy that now fed her.

Which was why she was going to talk to her. Today. Five weeks to the date where Dominic and she had started an unofficial but de facto full-blown, true blue relationship.

By now, Adrienne had chopped off even more of her hair, wearing it short and black like a punk-style Rihanna imitation. "Amy Juergens."

"Hi Adrienne." She was barely able to look at the girl and Adrienne could see right through her. Little doe-eyed sheep in wolf's clothing wanted to know if Adrienne knew. But they were beyond that now. This was much, much more serious.

"So, here's the thing Amy … I'm really happy for you and Ricky. I am and as you know, I've moved on too… and I'm really grateful that you're still standing beside him considering."

"Considering?"

"Considering that I've been pregnant with the little Underwood for a few weeks now. My stomach doesn't look pudgy yet, does it?" Adrienne dug the knife deeper into Amy's chest, trying not to smile as she watched the look change from surprise to fear to relief and finally absolute horror.

"Y-You're-"

"Preggers? Yep. I guess Ricky's extra fertile since we were pretty safe. I thought maybe you might be able to talk me through this whole thing since this was you … just last year, is it?" _Twist the knife. _

"Yeah. Almost." Amy swallowed, looking pale and sick.

"Do you think you can ask him what he thinks about these?" She handed over a small piece of baby with drawings of babies on it and … names. "I have a feeling it's going to be a little girl."

"Stop it!" Amy yelled, covering her ears and running in the opposite direction. The idea of Adrienne being pregnant with a baby girl, Ricky's baby and he didn't tell her … it was all too much. And it hurt so bad. What's worse was that Adrienne had put down the name of what Amy was going to name her baby girl, same spelling and everything, _Tyi Lee. _

And later that day when the undercover love birds saw each other for the first time, Ricky saw the look on her face and knew. She had come to her senses and it was over. She was really done with him this time. When she handed him a list of baby names with a short note written on the other side by the devil herself, Adrienne, he knew that that final nail had been put on the coffin.

* * *

(A/N: I would like to give a _huge _thanks to **Princess Pinky **For giving me such a thoughtful review that really put things in perspective for me. I thank you so much and I'm back on track now! I've outlined what I want for the rest of the story and can't promise that this will be done by the end of 2010 but it will be a story that I'll complete. Luv. Review. –NL)


	6. Take Me Back to the Start

**Chapter Six: Take Me Back to the Start **

* * *

Adrienne reigned supreme, once again. This game wasn't for stupid little suburbanites like Amy who didn't know what it really meant to fight for something. Adrienne finally had what she wanted all along and yes, the grass was greener and everything was better.

"You look happy." Dominic commented, unaware of exactly what she'd been up to. It didn't matter since he'd be gone soon enough.

"I want to thank you."

"For?"

"Helping with this baby and those stupid ass Lamaze classes. I never knew someone would be willing to do that when they don't have to, when the baby isn't even _theirs_." She emphasized, trying to make Dominic see that he had no reason to stay around.

"So you're not going to get a paternity test?" He wondered.

"What for? Those are for tramps, girls who don't know who they've slept with. It's Ricky's. We've already discussed this." She answered back calmly. If she got defensive, Dominic would figure it out. She had to play it cool in order for this to work.

"So, I take it that he's come around by the look on your face."

"Am I that obvious?" Adrienne's scrunched up her nose, trying not to smile, but unable to help it. Dominic pressed his lips together, trying to keep cool as well but it seemed stupid to him that she wanted to be with Ricky. After all of this.

"Are you pissed at me?"

"For sleeping with my brother? Or for trying to use the baby to get rid of me?"

"Both." Adrienne answered quietly.

"No, But I wish you wouldn't. I'll leave if you want me to, but I want you to do it right. Let's make these last few days worth it."

"Days?" She asked back. She thought he'd wait at least until the end of the month before…

"Yeah … don't you want me gone as soon as possible?"

"Do what you want. I'm not stopping you." She answered coolly, putting on her usual Adrienne front.

"You mean that?"

"Yeah." Adrienne shot back, calling his bluff. There's no way he'd leave. Not without—her thoughts switched to something else as he scooped her up and kissed her passionately. Adrienne squealed, caught off guard and realized that more than anything she was feeling really … happy right now. Damn, she'd miss this.

"So, you think you'll remember this?" Dominic asked, stroking Adrienne's hair off her face as they lay next to each other.

"Why? It's just sex."

"I don't mean _just _that, but everything … like how you feel about us?" He asked, sounding a little vulnerable.

"If there's something you want to say, then out with it."

"I wish you could see how amazing you are. Brilliant, breathtaking. I think if you realized it, you'd make a different decision." He kissed her tenderly.

"Why don't you change your mind and just stick around? We can still hang out."

"That's not enough for me." Dominic answered, kissing her collar bone. "Damn, I set myself up for this. I should've known better than to take your bait."

"Are you suggesting that you've fallen for me?" Adrienne joked, liking the sound of this.

"Don't play. You already know."

"Whatever. You're still leaving." She snuggled up closer to him, hoping to feel his love. Wait a minute. Did she just think—

"You know where to find me." He answered. Adrienne couldn't believe that he'd be leaving soon. She wanted to ask him to stay until next week, but their days together were dwindling down. She tried to hold it back, but first she sniffed and then came the waterworks.

When she pressed her face into his chest, she couldn't help but notice that he was crying too.

* * *

"Are you nervous?" Lauren asked Amy, helping her put on the veil, the last missing piece to this wedding, except the wedding was tomorrow and tonight was the 'bachelorette party'.

"Why should she be? It's a party." Ashley chimed in.

"And who invited you?" Amy shot back, picking up that Ashley was a Ben-Amy basher.

"Let's just relax tonight and have fun and tomorrow we'll decide." Madison added.

"Decide on what?" By the time Amy got out those words, Madison and the others had already skidded away, except Lauren.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"What?"

"You and Ben are making a huge mistake. Take Ricky out of the equation and I give you six months, tops, until you call it quits." Amy stared as Lauren with as much hate as she could muster up because she knew that what she was saying was completely true. And she wondered why no one said anything when they got married the _first _time.

But things could change and people could change _back¸ _right? Amy noticed that her inner thigh was throbbing. Or maybe it had been all along, which had made this whole thing seem less painful. She just needed a moment and she'd get her mind back and do the right thing which was … to marry Ben.

"You're wrong about us." Amy approached her friend later that night.

"So you're not bothered that he kept things from you about the first marriage? Why would he not tell you that it didn't go through? What's the big deal?"

"He's trying to keep us together and honestly Lauren, he's the only one. I've been so stupid about the whole Ricky thing-"

"Since Adrienne is pregnant."

"Exactly. Which is why I know Ricky can't be trusted and I'm over it. Ben is the right person for me."

"The right choice or the _better _choice? There is a difference." Lauren explained, always finding a way to let her slightly pessimistic, but often right-on opinion out without sounding too anti-Ben _and _Ricky.

"I really need you to be supportive of this. This is what I want."

"I won't support it, but I'll keep my mouth shut until I have something positive to say." She compromised.

"Good. We agree." Amy gave her a quick hug. "Now let's party."

* * *

"So, I'm still trying to figure out how to tell my mom that I've repeated her mistake. Except I'm a little older." Adrienne stated, holding onto Ricky's hand not as tightly as she normally would, but comfortably. She knew now that he had no reason to, that no one was going to steal Ricky away.

Because this baby had changed him tenfold. Maybe losing the last one had transformed his personally, but in any case Ricky was down to do whatever it took to be good at this. He was so kind to Adrienne, apologized for ever putting his hands on her and started opening up a little about his suicide attempt.

It was cute and promising and exactly what Adrienne had wanted.

She pushed all of her thoughts away from Dominic and decided to give Ricky one last test, just to make sure that she could truly call him hers. Adrienne kissed him hungrily as Ricky wasted no time falling back into what he knew.

When she was sure she had made him too tired to leave, she started to talk about her favorite topic, Amy. "So, the wedding's tomorrow."

"Who's getting married?" Ricky sighed, suddenly disinterested in her. Adrienne, also running back into her old habits, ignored it.

"Ben and Amy. They really … _work_, don't you think?" She looked directly at him upon saying this and Ricky did his best to hide his pain. But those dark eyes gave it away. The love was still there. Adrienne clinched her jaw together, grinding her teeth together to keep from screaming. Why couldn't Ricky just get it and feel it too? All she ever really wanted was him.

"So, I guess we'll make plans tomorrow then?" He added coolly, pretending that his response, followed by minutes of silence so loud that it hurt, had never happened.

"Actually, I was going to go to the wedding," _with Dominic_, she failed to add. It was kind of sick how she was playing around with both brothers, but now since she got the one she'd wanted for a couple of years now, the other had to go. _Remember that_.

"You got an invite?" Ricky sat up suddenly, towering over Adrienne.

"Relax. Ben and I are cool. I was going to support their union."

"Bull shit." Ricky scoffed. "You hate Amy."

"No. I hate how you _feel_ about Amy. Even though she's getting married, you're still planning some trick to get her back but forget it. You're with me now. Me and this baby. You owe us." She responded boldly.

"I know."

"Good. Now that we're clear, I'll see you in a couple days. I'll call about the wedding and let you know how beautiful the ceremony was." Adrienne gathered her clothing and carefully put everything back on.

"Where are you going?" He wondered, brows furrowed together.

"I'll see you. I promise." She gave him a quick kiss on the lips, which used to heat up her entire body. Tonight, it felt cold and routine. Adrienne was probably just scatter-brained with everything that was going on. "Later." She spun on her heel, leaving Ricky all alone and naked in his bed, something he used to always do to her.

Maybe now, he'd be the one to cry himself to sleep tonight. Maybe he'd do it, not because of Adrienne, but because he was losing Amy, which was revenge enough for Adrienne.

When she'd walked down the steps, Adrienne pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number she now knew by heart. "I'll be there in thirty. I got a little hung up."

"Too late. I'm already at your house."

"No you're not." Adrienne reached for her car door to see an embarrassing display of freshly cut flowers. When did it happen? When did he … "So you know where I am?"

"I know you're leaving my little bro's place but we've got tonight and then the wedding's the last Hoo-rah."

"Yeah." Adrienne choked out, starting not to cry about it again. She had gotten too attached to him.

"Just hurry up and get your ass over here. I miss you."

* * *

Lauren's words from last night were bothering her. But what did she know? She'd only had one lame boyfriend who she hadn't even been intimate with. Lauren was still a stupid virgin, probably the only one in the entire Sophomore class. What would she know about love or relationships? Lauren, the girl who called Madison up every night to coordinate what they would wear, talk about, and even _think _the next day at school.

Amy shook her head, wondering why she had even been friends with those two gossiping bimbos.

"Ready?" Ashley wondered as Amy could tell even _she _disapproved. Why was it okay with her parents and no one else? She exhaled, rolled her eyes and smiled as the first procession started. She could faintly hear the music. It was starting.

* * *

Adrienne winked at Ben from the audience. They had coordinated this perfectly and now Amy would be out of her life permanently. No woman stuck around for a guy who got someone else knocked up, and this wedding was the icing on the cake.

From there on, she kept her attention on Dominic, who was now squeezing her hand. She couldn't imagine anyone else being by her side at this moment and she actually started to wonder about her own wedding.

Funny since Adrienne had never considered herself the marrying type. She wasn't like the shallow guys who always wanted to 'trade up,' which was why couldn't stay faithful or keep a marriage, but she didn't see any one guy putting up with her for the rest of her life.

"Don't you wish you could just immortalize this moment and replay it whenever you wanted?" She asked referring to them being together, and biting her lip self-consciously but knowing she had no reason to be. Dominic never said anything degrading to her and she liked that.

"No. But I say this only because I think we could be so much more to each other. We could make every moment better than the one before it."

"Don't say stuff like that to me right now. You already lost me."

"I never really had you." He answered back as the flower girl started the wedding off. Adrienne turned her attention to it, bored, but trying to watch Dominic out of the corner of her eye.

"You only want me now because you're thinking about that cold, empty bed waiting for you."

"It's not about sex. It never was. Sex is easy but to be with someone is hard, it takes a lot. But to find someone that you want to be with but they reject you … that's enough to break a man." Dominic whispered into her ear, brushing his lips with her ear. Bullshit. All guys wanted was to "conquer" as many girls as they could, running through groups of friends, cousins, and even some mothers just for bragging rights. That was always the bottom line for guys and Adrienne couldn't fathom that Dominic saw more than that in her.

"Can we … let's just bail?" Adrienne offered. She preferred to spend the day alone with just him and be able to touch him freely without people watching. And who cared about Amy anyway? Ben was going to marry Amy. Ricky didn't even know where the wedding was. Nothing to panic about.

"Yes." Dominic kissed her so sweetly that it made her want this to be her reality. But the problem with dreams it that reality always came and crushed them.

* * *

The most beautiful girl in the room was Amy. Ben always saw it that way and this afternoon, everyone else would too.

As she approached him from the other side of the room, his heart sped up. He couldn't believe it was happening. She would finally be his and for once, Ricky Underwood hadn't swooped in to ruin it all.

Maybe fate did work out for the kind-hearted. Maybe life was fair after all.

Amy made it to the other end of the room, practically in line with Ben before she stopped. She stopped and everyone watched. And Ben got nervous, because he, like everyone else could see that the tides were changing. A beautiful future was beginning.

And then she spoke.

* * *

Ricky was going crazy just thinking about it …. Thinking about Amy marrying Ben again. This time it really weighed heavily on his mind.

It could've been that he just loved her, that he would rip all of his own skin from his body if it meant it would save her. He'd endure fire, water, and even hell to save Amy. He was headed there anyway since people like him didn't really deserve to have God on their side.

The thing about Ricky was that he always found a way around things. When he really wanted something, it happened. Like the brakes on the car, like getting Adrienne back whenever he got bored with everyone else … like making Amy love him back.

He couldn't just sit back and wait. He had to find her.

And he was actually going to turn Adrienne's plan against her since she was the one who would inadvertently going to tell him exactly where it was. And with a few clicks to the mouse, he was logged onto her email and checking her messages. And there was the e-vite … Wow, Adrienne wasn't even important enough to get a real invitation.

Ricky chuckled to himself, committing the address to memory, and running off with a disheveled head of hair and a mind full of fantasies about a life with Amy Juergens.

* * *

Dominic was putting it on thick and Adrienne was loving it. She held his hand the whole time, like they were an actual couple, something she'd never done with Ricky.

There was an innocence-maybe that was the wrong word to ever use in conjunction with Adrienne-so maybe you could call it honest. There was honesty in her relationship with Dominic that didn't exist with Ricky. And he didn't just say things to say it. They were true. He was open.

"Ready to go back? The reception should be starting by now." He gave her that look that he'd recently developed that captured her in her place and made her want to stay as they were, forever locked into each other's eyes.

"Do we have to? I want you to take me on one of those and paddle me around." Adrienne broke the gaze and tried to lighten the air by pointing to the Paddleboats, while inhaling the Italian Ice in her hands. Today, her sweet intake was on overdrive. And next on the list, ice cream.

"Whatever you want. It is our last day."

"Never mind." Adrienne pressed her lips together.

"What?"

"You ruined it. Why would you say something like that? So cruel."

"It's _true_. You are forcing me to leave and choosing to be with my kid brother even though we both know you deserve better than that."

"Do we really have to go through this again? You're such a pain in the ass!" Adrienne yelled, walking off briskly in the other direction.

"Come here."He reached for her hand again. "I wish things were different too." He whispered holding her softly before molding his lips to hers.

"We should probably get back." Adrienne offered, realizing that she should've never left the wedding. They were making it harder on themselves.

The ride back was quiet but Adrienne couldn't shut the doubts out of her mind. And they weren't Dominic-doubts but Ricky-doubts. "If anyone asks, we'll say I got a little morning sickness." She wasn't sure if that would stick, but prepared her sickest face as they opened the door to see … nothing.

No one. There wasn't even a sign that a wedding had happened.

"Are we in the right place?" Dominic wondered.

"Yeah." Adrienne pursed her lips once she saw the lone figure … Ricky. He'd found it.

"Do you want to-"

"No. I think I just want to go home." She sighed, feeling defeated. So white girl had one-upped her with her 'innocence.' Adrienne rolled her eyes, disgusted as she tried not to cry. Not again. She was such a big baby.

* * *

The most liberating thing you can do is speak your mind. All of Amy's burdens and concerns were alleviated once she said the first words, "This wedding is over." It couldn't get any worse from there. The stares, gasps, whispers … it was something that she was getting used to.

But the look of hurt on Ben's face would take a while to get over.

She could explain it all better later, but right now she was on to the one place where she wouldn't be surrounded by questioning eyes and whispers. Her whole load of baggage seemed to melt away once she saw the familiar green trees, the clear sky the … Ricky?

How was it possible that she'd been here for nearly two hours and hadn't seen a high of anyone she knew. But now, there he was with a blue tux she'd never seen, his hair disheveled as hell and looking at her like he'd been waiting forever.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Amy couldn't hold back the acerbity in her voice.

"How was the wedding?"

"Beautiful." She smiled, convinced that he hadn't known that the wedding didn't happen because Amy called it off. She didn't want him to get any ideas that it had to do with him because it didn't. Amy not wanting to be with Ben was much more complicated than her burning desire to sleep with Ricky. Still. After all the hurt he'd thrown her way.

"Shouldn't you be headed for your honeymoon-"

"I should. But I'm not." Amy sighed, sitting down on the closest bench next to Ricky. "It's not what you're thinking, but I don't want to talk about it."

"Do you have any regrets about today?"

"None at all." She answered truthfully. "I did what I had to do."

The two sat in silence for a little while, Ricky watching Amy as she looked straight ahead, as though she didn't notice him staring.

"Is there any way you'd give me another chance?"

"Look, God gave me an out when it turned out that me sleeping with you wasn't worsened by the fact that I was married. I'm not going to take that chance again."

"I didn't say that-"

"Sex is the only way you know how to love."

"It's the best way I can show you how I feel. You wouldn't take me seriously if I asked you out on a date or wanted to just _be _with you." He whined back.

"Can you stop with all of the dramatics? Go home Ricky." Amy stood up, ready to take the bike ride home. Yes, she'd walked from the church to her house to get her bike and take herself to the park. Yes, in her wedding dress.

"I can't when you make me feel this way."

"Feel? You don't have feelings." She called back, taking long strides to where she'd come from.

"I do Amy. I feel … so much because of you. I love you." Ricky waited for a response, but he didn't get one so he ran after her. "Didn't you hear me say it? I've been holding it back since I first came out of the hospital and … you were there."

"I suppose you want me to say it back now .. well, I don't." Amy answered, drained. She was drained of all this emotional crap, all of it was going to drive her insane. All of it was why she'd had a moment of weakness, which was why the insides of her thighs were still throbbing. But not enough. She still felt the pain and pressure from everyone around her and it was controlling her. It was scary.

"I know." Ricky sighed. "I know, but can you just … let me back into your life? Not shut me out?"

"There's only one way we know how to be with each other." Amy answered back, feeling herself about to do something stupid. The call of her body was much stronger than her mind at this point. She was so drawn to the fact that he 'loved' her. She could actually _feel _something real coming out of those words. But Amy knew that Ricky had probably said it a million times to every girl, but tonight it was so damn convincing.

"I can change that."

"I don't want you to." She reached her arms around the back of his neck, kissing Ricky with all of the lust that had been kept dormant inside of her since they last made love. "This doesn't mean anything … not to me. I still hate you. You _disgust _me." She muttered in between kisses as an eager Ricky willingly accepted his role in her life which, pretty much paralleled what Adrienne was to him.

When it was over, Amy's once-white dress was soiled from a mixture of dust, dirt, dampness, and a little blood that had escaped from somewhere. It was then, with Ricky looking over at her and whispering how much he loved her, that Amy told him something that no one else yet knew. "I'm going to New York. Music school."

"For the summer?"

"Maybe forever." She whispered back.

"I'll go with you and make you stop."

"Stop what?"

"Cutting." Ricky responded as Amy forced her mind outside of this place. She was going to go to New York and she was going to be the Amy she used to be, the Amy that pushed through it and got over it because she was tired of feeling anything.

Amy pushed him away from her, folding her knees into her chest. So, he'd noticed the fresh etches of ripped flesh on her inner thighs…

* * *

Some months later

Adrienne was barefoot and pregnant, sneaking out of Ricky's room and into the bathroom where she could have some privacy. It turned out that Amy _not _getting married didn't mess up anything between Adrienne and Ricky.

She was already in New York and left without telling Ricky goodbye. He pretended like it didn't hurt him, but Adrienne could see his pain and she was glad. Karma finally worked its magic on Ricky Underwood and he was being a 'good little boy' and doing everything that an expecting father should do.

But there was still one thing that irked Adrienne and made this fairytale difficult to fully immerse herself into. Dominic, who was still trying to mess them us.

Adrienne would've been perfectly able to deleted his number and never speak to him again until she got a call about him being a car accident, and she freaked out and went to see him.

But she couldn't see him every day. They lived too far apart. So she started calling him and … five months later and eight months into the pregnancy and it still hadn't stopped.

"You don't ever have to come and see the baby." Adrienne declared, picking up from where they always seemed to leave off.

"I know, but I want to. She's my daughter you know?"

"I know but we take this secret to the grave okay? You can be in her life but you're not the father. Ricky really wants to do the right thing." She answered back. It turned out that Dominic was a whole lot better at math than Ricky and he'd … figured out that there was no possible way the baby could be Ricky's.

"I know. And if it ever doesn't work out with Ricky-" He offered.

"It will. I love him too much for it not to."

"You're just so blind, aren't you? Ricky doesn't love you."

"Not yet, but he will … and by the way Dom, thanks for everything. At least now I know how things should be in a relationship. For what it's worth, I'm glad I found you."

"Does that mean we can pick up from where we left off?"

"And you can use me just for sex?" She giggled.

"No. That's Ricky's game. You're more than that to me."

"Don't mess with my mind." Adrienne pressed her lips together, taking a look at herself in the mirror. She couldn't see why anyone would truly love her, especially being fat and pregnant.

"Adrienne, you know it's real but you're just too scared which pisses me off but you can't be controlled or told what to do or even given a suggestion…"

"But you like that about me, don't you?"

"I love it just like I could love you all over again."

"Again? When did you love me?" Silence.

"So one month? Will you call me right when you go to the hospital?" He ignored her and kept speaking.

"Of course. You can't do any of the dad stuff, but you can be there. It's not anything you haven't seen before, but everything's just a little fatter now." She joked. "I promise to put you on speed dial. You should be there too Dom."

"I know."

They grew silent as Adrienne tried to keep her emotions under wrap and tried not to cry. She heard shuffling in the attached bedroom, which enhanced her sense of panic.

"I think he's up. I have to go." She hung up abruptly, deleting her call history and opening the bathroom door. Ricky was standing right there, wide awake.

"So how long have you been listening in?"

"Who's the father Adrienne?"

"Don't be stupid Ricky. You are." She pushed past him, angry. Why did he have to wake up and ruin it? It felt so good talking to Dominic. Adrienne could almost picture him licking those full, soft lips of his…

"Tell me the truth." He reached for Adrienne and pulled her back.

"It's you. We can even do a paternity test if you don't believe me." She offered. "I already said that months ago. Are you looking for an out?"

"Just the truth. And you don't tell it that well." He sighed.

"I'm just trying to keep up with you." She sneered, pushing past him.

"Tell me sneaky ass brother to get himself down here." Ricky demanded before walking into the bathroom.

Adrienne picked up her cell phone and immediately typed this: 'Plan B. Be here this week. I need you.'

Adrienne felt relief when she got a response text back from Dominic.

'Just tell me when and where. I'd do anything for you.'

She exhaled deeply. Things were going to work themselves out. Ricky would be found the father and no one would ever know what the truth is.

* * *

(A/N: Adrienne "**wins"** in my story! I know it started off being about Amy and Ricky but I switched and made it end like it does in real life—open endings and with the wrong people being together … This actually is the end of this story but I may do another Secret Life story and focus it on Adrienne (one shot called **Skinny Love**). She's become my favorite because she's so messed up and conniving. I know you're all hating me for this ending but all of the drama in _The Truth Is _was making me exhausted. I'm on a writing purge, finishing up a couple of other stories this week, so check out my other fics. –NL)

**Shameless promotion: **If you've loved this story, then check out _After the Hurricane, Boys with Girlfriends or Voices Carry _… all by me but this my only SL fic at this point.


	7. Alternate Story: A Little Twist of Crazy

**Alternate Story Chapter Two: A Little Twist of Crazy **

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(A/N: Since you all made me feel bad about the ending for this story, I'm taking it to another extreme, so read this directly after chapter one to make it make sense. And review this time people! Luv. -NL)

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The worst feeling in the world is when everyone is looking at you and you don't want them to, and if you look down they'll know that they've conquered you, made you insecure, but if you don't look you won't see what they're really saying about you.

It was all just another day of high school drama where Amy was the center of it, but not really. The looks weren't sympathizing, but rather out of curiosity. Amy jerked her head forward, looking as stoic as ever, but inside her emotions were bubbling higher and higher. It was almost uncontrollable, and Amy knew what happened when she let her emotions out. She was going to have to go to 'group therapy' because of it. Idiots.

But Amy was coping better. She had to find a way, any way not to breakdown and do something stupid. Digging up her dead baby's grave was sick, disgusting, and most of all pathetic. Amy was still thinking about a lie to get her out of that one, someway that she could say anything just to get everyone to back the hell off.

Amy was still feeling the pressure and wanted a moment, a few moments where she could lock herself into the bathroom stall until she got it together. With that one goal in mind, her feet had taken off on their own, almost hurried were her steps, like she had a sense of urgency.

The only urgency was that she was about to lose it, again, thinking about her baby and Ricky and—stop it.

Amy found no solace in being in the girls' bathroom. For one, there were too many people, an aged smell of thick smoke matched with an ill-attempt of the cleaning staff to mask the permeating smell of period blood and a thick urine odor that only grew stronger each moment she stayed here.

Amy couldn't stay here. She couldn't think, which wasn't the problem since she didn't want to _feel_. Opening the door abruptly, and quite frankly _pissed_, it nearly knocked the girl walking in front of the stall to the ground.

"Watch it." The girl grumbled, picking up the scattered randomness that littered her bag and now the urine-infested floor. Amy knelt down to help, her hand lingering over something metal-like and sharp. It almost looked moist, like liquid and utterly attractive.

"Back off." The girl growled again, neglecting to pick up the item that could so easily become the 'fix' to all of Amy's problems.

When she was sure no one would notice, Amy took the knife and pressed into her palm tightly in order to hide it, as she did so she felt a stinging sensation, realizing that she had sliced her skin open. "Ouch." Rushing to the sink, Amy started to wash the blood off, but grew more fascinated with the way it sat and how quickly the blood line was becoming a puddle. She wondered how long until it would take to become a pool, if it would overflow this sink.

"Here." One of the pot girls offered Amy a towel, glaring at her with her slightly slanted eyes. She vaguely recognized her as one of Ben's old friends … Alice or something. "You don't want to go that route."

"What route?" Amy wondered innocently. She was just a little stunned by the cut. That's all.

"Cutting."

"Don't be stupid." She lashed back emotionally, disappointed that the temporary distraction of the blood had worn off and that she was now faced with her reality—an almost teenage mom who'd lost her baby girl for no reason at all. Ouch.

"Ben's my friend still you know."

"Ben and I don't associate with drug addicts."

* * *

Amy had gotten her cool back. Whatever had happened in the bathroom had turned her around. There was nothing in the world that could stop her, nothing that could bring her down except, seeing Ricky and Adrienne together. It was sick.

Fighting the nausea, she tried not to look at them all over each other, but Ricky caught her eye, watching Amy closely even as he continued to make-out with Adrienne. Amy didn't know what that was all about, but the way he was acting it was … almost as if his confession few weeks ago had been imagined, not real.

Amy shook her head, and popped in gum to stop herself from actually throwing up in the hallway right now. She was almost in the clear. Ben would come to find her soon and walk her to her last couple of classes, like he always did.

"Amy!" Lauren called after her with Madison following. She knew it was bad news. They always had bad news and loads of gossip.

"Hey girls." Amy answered coolly, towering over both of them with her insanely high heels.

"Don't kill us." Madison started.

"We just want to make sure you know." Lauren backed her up.

"What is it?" Amy pretended to be interested just so that they would get on with it and leave her alone.

"And we're not trying to hurt you or anything." Lauren added … maybe not, but they definitely wanted to see her reaction. It was sick that they were getting off on this.

"Adrienne's going to have Ricky's baby. She's pregnant. My older cousin saw her at this planned pregnancy clinic and she was gushing over it."

"That doesn't mean they're going to keep it." Amy shrugged. "And besides, why do I care?"

"Well don't you-"

"No." Amy answered firmly, chomping on her gum a little more slowly. "If you guys don't mind … I'm going to find Ben."

So that explained why everyone had been watching Amy all day. They all knew that Adrienne had been impregnated by the same guy as Amy, and they all just wanted a good show. Vultures.

Amy would be fine once Ben found her, which he did. He walked her to class, chatting eagerly, looking at her with an animated manner that would've been interesting if … Ben wasn't just inherently boring and square. Amy pressed her lips together. She had always felt that way, but she had never allowed herself to think it right there, right in front of his face.

She clung to him closely each time they met until they were walking down the hallway after school had ended that day. Thank God.

What Amy hadn't been expecting was an AmyBen vs. AdrienneRicky showdown.

"Hey A-my." Adrienne greeted her tauntingly, unable to hide the joy in her voice.

"Hi guys." Ben smiled warmly as Amy nodded at both Adrienne and Ricky.

"Congratulations on the baby." Amy forced herself to say cordially as Adrienne's face lit up.

"Excellent news right? I was scared at first but then I got to thinking… I know someone who's been through this entire thing before. Maybe she can help."

"Maybe." Amy nodded, sensing that this was more of a dig than a friendly conversation.

"Nice seeing you again." Ben interrupted. "I've got to go honeybee." He kissed Amy on the lips quickly as Ricky watched, cringing.

"Ready?" Adrienne wondered, still nestled close to Ricky.

"Give me a sec. I'll meet you at practice."

"Is this your way of apologizing or…" Amy started, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Meet me in my car again, after practice." Ricky whispered, dangerously close to having his lips touch her ear which made Amy cringe since she once would've died to have him that close to him. Now, she thought she would rather kill herself than to let him get that close again, which meant only one thing. Amy was totally over Ricky. And she had moved on from secretly pining after him to completely hating him for having the happiness that she should've had. _A baby? _

* * *

The feelings that Amy now felt were not despair or sadness, but hate. She was really starting to hate Ricky. For everything he'd done and would do and she was going to go straight home from practice when something occurred to her—she could get back at him, just like he'd done to her.

Amy didn't have enough time to fully settle these _feelings_ before she found herself in his car, waiting.

"I'll take you home." Ricky offered as Amy nodded stoicly. "What happened to your…" He pointed to her hand which was freshly bleeding again. The moisture felt good against the sticky sun so she hadn't noticed.

"Crazy girls in the bathroom." She responded as Ricky carefully unwrapped her hand. More blood gushed.

"Jeez Amy. Let's see if the nurse is still here."

* * *

"So what did you want to tell me?"

"I'm sorry." Ricky finished rolling white gauze over her battle wound. The nurse wasn't there and Ricky was insistent on showing off his hero muscles. Only, it was probably out of remorse more than anything else. It was a lame apology … 'Sorry I killed your child. Let me wrap your sliced hand in return.' And maybe this faux-charm worked on the other girls at Ulysses Grant High, Amy was less cliché than that.

"Not this again Ricky. What did you do this time? Poison Ben?" Amy asked, letting her thoughts run too freely. Cool it.

"No. Adrienne and the baby."

"You should be apologizing to _her_." Amy watched Ricky's expression, trying to keep her face as controlled as possible. The truth? She hated that such evil people were going to get a chance to be parents when her baby had been stolen from her. It was even worse that Ricky was the father. "And that poor child who's going to be completely screwed up." She added coldly.

"I worry about that all the time." Ricky agreed, opening his car door for Amy to sit in. WTF? Ricky was confiding in her now when she was just trying to chop him down? "I mean, no one can ever replace my first born, but I … at least you were stable. Adrienne's unpredictable."

"She loves you." Amy responded back quickly. The throbbing pain in her hand was dying away and all she could hear were her own thoughts and feelings.

"Adrienne is a master at lust. She doesn't know how to love." Ricky locked his eyes onto Amy's for a moment, suggesting that there was more left unsaid to her.

"Is this the only thing we're going to talk about?"

"What else is there?" Amy asked as Ricky switched gears, speaking about how good he would be as a father. As Amy hung onto his every word, an idea started forming in her mind. The best type of pain would be to recreate their Band Camp encounter, her initial delusions that they'd be together, and even the feel moments when he tried to help out.

"I really want my kid to be something…" He explained while Amy smiled with a nod, agreeing, or at least that's how it seemed. By this point, she knew how to get revenge. She knew that it was time to make Ricky feel pain the way that she did. She knew that she'd have to get really close to him, maybe even make him love her and then yank it all away. Genius. A genuine smile made it to her face and this time, Amy knew that the truth was that she'd have to destroy Ricky Underwood and leave behind any feelings of guilt about it.

* * *

(A/N: Poor Ricky doesn't know what's coming! Hoping to see some reviews soon. :) -NL)


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